12 Days of Spring Weekend: Useless Rankings edition

Forget that you’ve never heard of the website before, and forget that they left out Dave Binder: Baeble Music heard about the party we’re throwing this weekend, and they approved, ranking Brown’s Spring Weekend the Top College Music Festival of 2014!

They may have left Dave Binder's show out of their blurb, but the photo they chose speaks volumes.

They may have left Dave Binder’s show out of their blurb, but the photo they chose speaks volumes.

The win is no small feat, as the website ranks us among other top contenders like Vanderbilt (whose “Rites of Spring” fest lasts two full weekends)and Yale (whose Spring Fling lineup eerily resembles ours, but without the added Providence flair of What Cheer? Brigade, as the listicle notes). 

The Columbia Lion published a complete list of spring lineups around the Ivies, a list which further, incontrovertibly, proves how dominant Brown’s lineup is among those of our peers. And can we take a moment to make fun of Princeton for calling its event “Spring Lawnparties”?

Princeton's "Lawnparties" Lineup did not make Baeble Music's list.

Princeton’s “Lawnparties” Lineup did not make Baeble Music’s list.

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Useless Rankings: Providence has the second best downtown ever


…And by ever, I mean in the United States in 2014 according to Livability.com. Yep, PVD beat out urban luminaries such as Indianapolis, Eugene, and Provo. (You couldn’t find 10 downtowns better than Provo?) Only Fort Worth, Texas beat out Providence. Livability didn’t just make this up; they had some impressive statistics on their side:

  • The public library was recently redone.
  • Half the office space in Rhode Island is in downtown Providence.
  • The city’s median age is 28.
  • The city’s workers only have to commute an average of 16 minutes to work.
  • We have WaterFire.

Also, the above picture is clearly a fabrication. It seems to imply that the trees will at some point sprout leaves and that it at some point will be warm enough to walk around in short sleeves. Lies.

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Useless rankings: We’re… interesting?

At least it's not Bill O'Reilly being mad at us

Don’t we look so interesting?

Huffington Post, apparently having run out of ideas for best-of lists, has deemed Brown to be among the most interesting schools in the country. It’s unclear what actually counts as “interesting,” considering that other colleges qualify due to anything from partying a lot (ASU/UCSB) to not being racist (congrats University of Alabama?) or the occasional cheating scandal (sorry, Harvard).

Brunonia’s qualifications, meanwhile, are predictably mainly related to nudity, protests, and… Pixar? Well, at least they didn’t talk about O’Reilly and Jesse Watters.

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Useless Rankings: Brown ranked #1 most progressive school


In a completely subjective ranking by HerCampus.com, Brown has been deemed the most progressive school in the nation. Considering we’ve dipped our toes in the top lists of sexiest, hipster-est, and happiest schools–just to name a few–it only makes sense that we’d come out on top in an all-encompassing ranking of liberality and forward-thinking. Being labeled as the “most progressive” basically covers all the artsy/alternative/offbeat/generalize-as-you-will bases in one foul sweep. In other words, Brown continues to be regarded as the shit.

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Useless Rankings: Rhode Island’s large ‘endowment’

It’s pretty safe to say that size envy has been part of the male psyche for a very long time. Think back to the 17th century, when European monarchs played “whose is bigger” with their castles (I’m talking to you, Louis XIV). We still get involved with such mind games, but now we’re talking about penises. This week, Time published research done by condomania.com about America’s buying habits when it comes to condoms. The website sells and delivers condoms throughout the country, and in their study they compiled sales data from across the country to determine the relative sizes of states’ male members.


At first I questioned the validity of this survey because, let’s be honest, who has ever ordered condoms online? But after perusing Condomania, it seems like they actually know their stuff when it comes to condoms. They literally have pages and pages of different types of condoms, as well as other sex toys. Who knew that you could import condoms from Japan, or buy vegan lube? Continue Reading

Useless Rankings: Brown Ranked 19th on List of “Sexiest Students”


First Buzzfeed, and now DailyBeast: if you’re a moderately acceptable to less-than-reputable news source, you probably think Brown is super sexy. As of this morning, DailyBeast ranked Brown #19 on its list of the 20 Sexiest Colleges. According to the site, they used College Prowler data to assess the attractiveness of students, and the sexual health report card put out by Trojan Condoms (Brown was #2) in determining each school’s sexual health. So basically they copy-pasted preexisting data into an informal PowerPoint. But we came out on top near the top, so who cares? Worth noting: on a ten-point scale, Brown females were rated .5 points higher than males… can someone with math knowledge tell me if that is statistically significant?

Anyway, feel free to check out the whole list here. It will take literally less than a minute of your time.

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