Useless Rankings: Brown ranked #1 most progressive school


In a completely subjective ranking by, Brown has been deemed the most progressive school in the nation. Considering we’ve dipped our toes in the top lists of sexiest, hipster-est, and happiest schools–just to name a few–it only makes sense that we’d come out on top in an all-encompassing ranking of liberality and forward-thinking. Being labeled as the “most progressive” basically covers all the artsy/alternative/offbeat/generalize-as-you-will bases in one foul sweep. In other words, Brown continues to be regarded as the shit.

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Useless Rankings: Rhode Island’s large ‘endowment’

It’s pretty safe to say that size envy has been part of the male psyche for a very long time. Think back to the 17th century, when European monarchs played “whose is bigger” with their castles (I’m talking to you, Louis XIV). We still get involved with such mind games, but now we’re talking about penises. This week, Time published research done by about America’s buying habits when it comes to condoms. The website sells and delivers condoms throughout the country, and in their study they compiled sales data from across the country to determine the relative sizes of states’ male members.


At first I questioned the validity of this survey because, let’s be honest, who has ever ordered condoms online? But after perusing Condomania, it seems like they actually know their stuff when it comes to condoms. They literally have pages and pages of different types of condoms, as well as other sex toys. Who knew that you could import condoms from Japan, or buy vegan lube? Continue Reading

Useless Rankings: Brown Ranked 19th on List of “Sexiest Students”


First Buzzfeed, and now DailyBeast: if you’re a moderately acceptable to less-than-reputable news source, you probably think Brown is super sexy. As of this morning, DailyBeast ranked Brown #19 on its list of the 20 Sexiest Colleges. According to the site, they used College Prowler data to assess the attractiveness of students, and the sexual health report card put out by Trojan Condoms (Brown was #2) in determining each school’s sexual health. So basically they copy-pasted preexisting data into an informal PowerPoint. But we came out on top near the top, so who cares? Worth noting: on a ten-point scale, Brown females were rated .5 points higher than males… can someone with math knowledge tell me if that is statistically significant?

Anyway, feel free to check out the whole list here. It will take literally less than a minute of your time.

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Useless Rankings: We’re pretty hipster at Brown

I want these. Is that lame or ironic?

I want these. But are they lame or ironic?

Put down your n+1 magazine and that cup of fair-trade coffee; Brown has officially beat our  College Hill frenemie RISD on HerCampus’ most recent list of “The Most Hipster Schools.” Our more artistic (but apparently less artsy) neighbors come in at No.6, while Brown stands at a respectable fourth place. The Providence Journal seemed pretty excited by the news — after all, it is pretty great to live in a city run by the mafia artisans, writers, and their wanna-be friends.

HerCampus’ blurb on Brown mentions our Spring Weekend concert spirit, our overuse of the word “heteronormative,” and our commitment to drinking Narragansett. There’s also a mention of a couple whose meet-cute occurred at a thrift store, making our school (supposedly) a breeding ground for “ironic romances.” Still, as much as we all want our lives to be the plot of the next mumble-core playing at the Avon, I’d suggest not venturing down to Savers hoping to find a significant other in the bargain-bin.

HerCampus is a blog hoping to provide the need-to-know to college women, with contributors from our student body as well as universities across the country. Check out the full site here.

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Useless Rankings: Brown ranked eighth on list of “highest paid grads”


This is one useless ranking I can be down with. Brown tied with Stanford and Harvard (whatever) on’s list of highest paid graduates, averaging a starting salary of $52,300 and a mid-career salary of $119,000. While CNN implied that we’re essentially a bunch of sell-outs (“more than a third of graduates end up roaming the halls of Corporate America”), it’s worth noting that 51% of grads believe their jobs are meaningful. Those are good odds, right? So perk up, humanities concentrators, we got this!

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Useless Rankings: Brown ranked thirteenth on list of “happiest freshmen”


The U.S. Department of Education recently released a list of the top 25 freshmen retention rates of private colleges and universities. The difference between consecutive rankings here comes down to a fraction of a percent—Brown has an average retention rate of 97.5 percent, coming in at an unlucky a respectable thirteenth place. According to a Yahoo! news report, this officially renders Brown the school with the thirteenth happiest freshmen. The equivalency being presumed between retention and happiness can be easily deconstructed and dismissed, but it’s easier just to point out how irrelevant Yahoo! is.

Unfortunately, they aren’t the only ones that mark these statistics as a measure of our  happiness—HuffPo and CBS News, among others, do the same. We always find it disconcerting when studies attempt to calculate the amount of happiness someone has (or a group people have), but in this case it is particularly discomforting as Princeton is ranked happiest. Sorry, but if this letter situation is happening at your school, you can’t win the happy-go-lucky award. Also, Princeton sorta just sounds sad. (Whoever said orange was the new black was seriously disturbed.)

We commend these sites for trying to gauge our happiness, but laugh at their shortcomings. Continue Reading