WHY THE F@CK IS IT COLD AND SUNNY

I understand that the title may have betrayed a few aspects of my identity— yes, I’m from Florida; yes, I was born in California; yes, I’m obnoxious. But I resent that Providence’s temperature has been turned into a disgusting display of identity politics. I’m tired of my Northern brethren sneering at my plight— only after I tell them from where I hail. Northern or southern, rural Montana mountaineer or Bay area bro— are we not all human? Do we not all bleed red when cut? Do we not all have functioning nervous systems capable of recognizing how cruel the Providence wind can be?

Look, don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not one of those southerners, I did my research. I didn’t show up to Brown with a single pair of sandals in hand and a few pastel colored shorts, naively expecting the Northeast to cater to me. No, I perused Winter Coat Weekly for months before deciding on my perfect synthetic feather-filled friend. I weathered the jeers of my friends as I asked them innocent questions like “Why can’t I just wear my jean jacket?” I did my due diligence, all in the efforts to keep myself toasty in the icy winter months.

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Turn your clocks back tonight!

What they’re not telling you about this picture is that it was taken at 4:45 p.m.

Tonight, you get an extra hour of partying, so tomorrow, it’ll get dark really, really early. Now waking up with a raging hangover at 1 p.m. now means you have 3-ish hours of good daylight left in your day. And the days are still getting shorter. Yep, winter is coming. However you want to look at it, you’ll experience 1 a.m. twice tonight (we hope this means that we’ll have an extra hour to enjoy a spicy with), because we’re moving to Standard Time for the winter. Don’t forget to move your clocks back an hour — that means your watch, laptop (this should be automatic), alarm clock, cell phone (again, automatic), tablet, and the stopwatch in your desk that you never use — or you might get one less hour of raging post-SPG.

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