Internal Memo from the Month of March Branding Department
Listen up, idiots. We’re losing out and we all know why. People think they’ve got us figured out with this “In like a lion, out like a lamb” bullshit—as if we’re just a bridge between our two biggest competitors. Translation: we’re getting our asses HANDED to us by a month that doesn’t even know how many days it has.
So I’m throwing some cutting-edge ideas right at your face. SLICE (they’re making that sound because they’re sharp)! Now it’s time for you bastards to grab it, run with it, dodge three tacklers and dive into the end zone. BAM— I’m going to Disneyworld!
Option 1: The Positivity Campaign
Our image has to focus people on what’s great about us. Image is powerful stuff. You wouldn’t see an Oscar nod for a month called Marchy March and the Funky Bunch. March Wahlberg—now THERE’s a month who could make a serious motion picture.
So how about this: We’re the only month that’s a verb. Pretty awesome, huh? Say I’m writing a deposit slip, and I ask what day it is. March 4th, I’m told. Now I’m starting to wonder: Is the bank teller answering me, or is he telling me to walk onward stiffly? Holy crap, that month just brain-teased me.
Option 2: The Smear Campaign
No one ever became champion of the world without punching somebody else in the face. Well, no boxer did. Try these zingers on for size, month number four:
Hey April, England called. It wants its weather back!
April: Still the cruelest month.
What’s that, Adolf Hitler? You were born in April? And it says so right on Wikipedia?
Option 3: The Friendship Campaign
Alright, maybe if we ask April real, real nice, they’ll finally let us in on that April showers bring May flowers bargain. Look what a nice addition we could make:
March’s hours slowly bring April showers which bring May flowers.
March starch can be made from April flour, which when you get it all over yourself, forces you to take a May shower.
April showers bring May flowers. Also March happens too!!!