This is it. The final installment. And to those of you graduating, remember these concentrations will stay with you for the rest of your lives. So, just think carefully before mounting your diploma above your bedpost. Without further ado, Engineering thru American Civilization:*
Engineering: This concentration is quite hard…and so are its concentrators. But this is mostly because they have no time to go out and meet a partner. So, get ready for the gadgets because these concentrators can engineer a mean sex toy. From talking dildos to robot blowup dolls, they are always thinking about the most efficient path to the perfect climax. Using their knowledge of complex physics and physical attraction, they will stimulate the most intense fleshly forces…with science.
Education: These concentrators will teach you how it’s done. Beyond being creative, they possess a great deal of patience and will always adjust to your learning curve. These guys and gals know what they’re doing, so get ready for some AP Sex–the one AP even Princeton Review has failed to publish a study book for. Just beware of “show and tell,” you never know what crazy positions these concentrators will try and demonstrate.
Economics: Most of these concentrators have a huge GDP (Great Dynamic Penis). Be sure invest in one of these commodities; it’s worth the opportunity cost (several inferior, less pleasing partners). If you make it into the sack with one of them, it will surely be a worthwhile investment–giving you sexual capital some can only dream of. Econ concentrators are bulls not teddy bears, and while their supply may be high, there’s an even larger demand–so get out there!
Computer Science: The CS lab maybe deprived of sunshine and Febreze, but these concentrators aren’t deprived of sex. Cooped up in one place all day, CS kids get a little frisky–haven’t you seen literally any season of the Real World? These concentrators are knee deep in the Internet age, and you know what that means – PORN. But not to worry, computer science is an interactive sport, so the web smut will most likely only provide some background moaning. Beware, however, of becoming your own web series.
Comparative Literature: I’m not C. Lit Student for just any reason. Comp Lit concentrators really know where to work a woman. There is nothing sexier than being spoken to in a foreign language and these concentrators are required to master this seduction. Masters of classic literature, these students understand the passions of Anna Karenina, Emma Bovary and literature’s other freaks-in-the-bed. And don’t try to keep sexual secrets from these students; they can read you like a book.
Community Health: Safe sex is super sex, so step right up for some Dental ‘DAMNS!’ and condoms. Community Health concentrators want pleasure just a much as the next Brown Student, but they are sure to keep themselves good and clean. No need to worry about STDs with these STDs (Sensual Tested Devils). These concentrators are always down to take care of you in bed (even if you come down with the flu). Added bonus: they know a lot about communities. Did I hear three(four, five)some?
Cognitive Science/Neuroscience: These concentrators know how to hit your brain’s pleasure receptors. Get ready for the dopamine to start a-flowin’. Sex with these concentrators can be a mind fuck. And no, that position they want you to get into is not an optical illusion.
Classics: What did Eros mean to the Greeks? These concentrators understand the ancient art of romance. The ancient lovers neither tweeted nor sexted, so learn to create a tantalizing love poem. And, I’ve heard, it’s a concentration requirement to have sex on top of Marcus Aurelius. So, go on. Carpa that ass.
Chemistry: These concentrators don’t like a basic bedroom. They’ll heat you up like you’re under a burner. Never lacking energy, these students love to do it all over the room, violently moving around like gas molecules. Get ready for pHabulous sex and to have your body rocked like a centrifuge.
Biology: These concentrators know how to get in touch with their animalistic tendencies. Understanding the reproductive system is a requirement, and they will make sure yours is working properly at all points. They are mammals in heat! Just be careful–these concentrators understand the importance of propagating their genes, and you might not be the only organism they are studying in depth.
Astronomy: Get ready to take off Orion’s Belt. These concentrators shine like the sun in the bedroom. You will feel like you’ve gone through a black hole and back. Romantic getaways to bone under open skies are a must. Just make sure you keep them excited because you want them staring at you, not the stars.
Applied Mathematics: Ever been hit on by someone typing 58008 into a calculator and turning it upside down? Well get ready. These concentrators are going to apply mathematics to their sex lives as well, but don’t worry they understand multiplying. My guess is that they are fast learners and with each sexual experience your satisfaction will increase exponentially.
Anthropology: These concentrators explore all aspects of what it means to be a homo sapien, and they will explore all aspects of your body regardless of if you’re a homo or a sappy romantic. Chances are that if you get tangled up with this major, you will also get tangled in some ancient sex techniques, and maybe a harness or two.
American Civilization (Studies): So bye-bye Miss American Pie because there’s more to these concentrators than just apple-filled deserts and football. They don’t just skim the surface of basic culture; they dive deep into Americana and will do the same for its population’s orifices. One passionate night together, and you’ll be screaming “God Bless the U.S.A.”
*Note: not all concentrations were listed. Masturbation is encouraged for the few, the proud, the unique, and the ignored.