Family Weekend banter, translated:
“Mm, your father and I are trying to find hotels for May … any suggestions?”
You are graduating in May! Did you forget this? We did not.
“So, have you started thinking about, you know, next year…?”
OHMYGOD. Our darling little child is graduating with zero marketable skills! What has s/he been doing all this time?
“You know, honey, I think your mother has finally gotten over the whole empty nest thing.”
Please, oh please, oh please do not move back home. We have turned your bedroom into a love nest.
“Did you know that your friend Kathleen from high school already has a job set up for next year? With Morgan Stanley?”
You are an embarrassment to me at neighborhood block parties. Please do something to make you brag-worthy again—I can no longer ride on your acceptance to Brown.
“Can you believe that just four years ago I was moving you into your freshman dorm, and now I’m coming to your last parent’s weekend?”
What the hell have I been spending my hard-earned dollars on these past few years if all you have to show for it is a caffeine addiction and a bachelor’s in Contemplative Studies?
“Wow, the food at Al Forno really is worth the wait!”
Enjoy it now, bud, you’ll be living off Ramen and peanut butter for the next five years.
“These a capella performances are amazing!”
You’re such a disappointment to me.
[A week after family weekend]
“Hi honey! How’s life?
Please kindly ruminate on the fact that you are graduating in six months, by which time you must have passed enough of your classes, written your honors thesis, secured a job, made enough money to put a down payment on an apartment, entered into a serious, committed relationship with the person who will be your future spouse, at least thought about a retirement plan and come up with a comprehensive plan for building a better future. Oh, and call your grandmother, please. Welcome to the real world … bitch.
For the special family weekend issue of Post-, we’ve devoted our pages to the problems our families have with Brown (no grades? naked people? theatrical lesbianism?) and the issues we have with our parents (I don’t want to talk about jobs! or boyfriends! or the value of my English degree!). “Family Issue(s)” will be available starting today, October 14, in the Ratty, Faunce, J. Walter Wilson and other central locations. Regular issues of Post- appear on Thursdays, inside the Brown Daily Herald.