…because whoever names our buildings has really dropped the ball

People, this is an incredible opportunity.

Like, seriously.

You know how Faunce is ostensibly the Stephen Robert ’62 Campus Center?  Rolls off the tongue like a bad lisp.  I die a little inside every time I see that name in print.  Stephen is so ridiculously invested in making things un-fun to read that he might very well be the man to whom they handed a copy of the Adobe suite and said, “Design the ProJo website.”

The point is, people with millions of dollars are naming our buildings without realizing that built into the process is a potential for batshit insanity.  But never fear, the answer is only a few hundred dollars away.

According to Brown’s “giving page” (one can only assume we are supposed to be the Shel Silverstein of higher ed), it costs a mere $3 million to name an existing building on campus.

$3 million.


Gentle reader, do you know what this means?  If we all come together for the mother of all fundraisers, we, the students of Brown, can rename the Applied Math Building Dr. Crikey McNinja Hall.  Hell yes.  The Judaic Studies Building could lose its boring moniker and be presented with a newer, bolder, more modern title, such as The Hall of Hebrew Hammers or even the less faith-specific Tomb of the Decepticons.  The possibilities, children, are endless.

The powers of my Windows Vista calculator app inform me that if every undergrad, grad student, and med student donated roughly $360 (also known as a dollar a day – no more apples for you!), we would be able to reach that $3 million goal.  Too many crusty alums have foisted dull, flaky names on our brick monoliths, and despite our community’s eagerness to wear clothes from the days of yore, I’d say the vintage naming tactics have to go.  I’ve always wanted to foist something, myself.

Let’s make this happen.  I would wake up for a 9am class in the dead of winter if it meant prancing to the Land of the Saucy Betches* in the morning.

*English building, obvs.

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