Brunos Working Out: 9 Stairmaster Stereotypes

Home is where the heart most delicious food in the world is. Let’s be real: you ate so much food this weekend. The Thanksgiving ham may not be the only thing in your house that’s looking porky — five days at home have turned into five days of gluttony and voracity. Over the past few days, has your food baby grown to be the size of Beyonce’s fetus? Have your jeans gotten tighter and tighter, and are sweatpants are the only things that fit you right now?  If the answer to all the above is yes, don’t fret. Brown has several resources (e.g., Bears Lair, the OMAC, Keeney, and Emery) for you to go your workout-swag on so you can get your groove back, and more importantly, so you can fit into your jeans. But, be warned— you are not alone. You, along with hundreds, are in the same gravy boat. While there are several newbies hitting the gym (clearly hoping they avoid resembling the campus squirrels), the varying experiences of Brown gym-goers make each waistline-trimming venture unique. Having said that, everybody loves a good stereotype, so here they are:

Gym-Goers at Brown:

1.) The Deaf: Lost @ Brown: Your hearing. Just because you like Rihanna doesn’t mean that everyone else around you wants to hear it too. I found your hearing in a hopeless place.

2.) The P90X Users:  Tony Horton: Girls love him, and guys want to be him. But let’s be honest, no one wants to hear his banter, hear him counting reps or screaming, “AB RIPPER X. I hate it, but I LOVE it” – nor you trying to imitate it.

3.) The Sweat-ers: Did he just pour water on his head? Probably not. Rumor has it that the only people who clean the machines are those who use them, AKA you. Gross. The wipes are there for a reason—use them. Clean up when you’re done, and clean up before you start because you don’t know who was on that machine before you were.

4.) The Naked Mole Rats: What is that, that freaky thang? Put on a damn shirt, fool. Don’t get more sweat on ma’ machine. It’s getting to Rufus status up in here.

5.) The Ninjas: Jump ropes, nunchuks, and medicine balls, oh my! Lots of people bring their own workout toys, but with limited space, it can get mad claustro. Please don’t take my eye out—I’m nothing without my hearing and my sight, and my hearing was already found in a hopeless place.

6.) The Dawdlers: You’ve been on that treadmill for 45 minutes going 2.5 mph. FYI: you’ve already missed the Early Bird Special at the Boca Raton Diner. Get off.

7.) The Pop Culture Mavens: Awkward that you’re reading Seventeen and no one who is 17 goes here. Awkward that everyone can see you taking the “Am I Too Needy” quiz. Awkward that you ripped out the life-size Justin Bieber poster and that everyone is judging you.

8.) The Hulu: Expect that this person will be off his/her machine within an hour of starting an episode. Grab a machine directly behind him/her so you can watch Cam’s freakouts without sound. Don’t worry, you still have permission to LOL.

9.) The Lone Adult: At every gym at Brown, there is always one awkward adult working out by his/herself and the juxtaposition between him/her and the students is quite entertaining and simultaneously extremely uncomfortable. Do you even go to this school? #CallTheP(r)oPo

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  1. hmm

    nothing wrong with jump ropes!

  2. fdfdff

    HILARIOUS post. but i do feel the need to defend the dawdlers. some of us are so hopelessly out of shape that walking for 45 minutes (with occasional jogging when we’re feeling inspired) is our idea of a workout!

    also: check the title; there are 9! 🙂

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