What to burn to stay warm during Superstorm Sandy (Cohen)

Doesn't make you Jake Gyllenhaal though

Now that classes are canceled again, we’re in it for the long haul, but rations might be running out and conditions are getting grimmer. The lights are flickering, heating might be going out, and oh god you haven’t had a Blue Room sandwich in over 24 hours. If Sandy (Cohen) turns out to be the 2012 Apocalypse (a bit too soon), and civilization needs to resort to desperate measures to stay alive, here’s a list of makeshift firewood for the new dark ages.

Not sure how you’d be reading this though… do iPhones still work at the end of the world?

1. Candles
ResLife is huddling together for warmth somewhere away from campus, so forget the $100 fine and light ‘em up!

2. The Brown Daily Herald
No, we’re not trying to say anything about our printed comrades. Newsprint just makes for good kindling, and you really don’t need to read that article about budget cuts again. We’re also too cheap to buy The New York Times in Starbucks, which will probably be closed anyway.

3. Eco to-go containers
You can live on only Ratty takeout for so long. By day three of the inclement apocolypse, your congealed chicken parmesean will have run out or fallen victim to ruthless looters. Though it may seem daunting to brave the conditions without the Ratty’s cheesy warmth, a successful survivalist must find the bright side to even the darkest of circumstances. Your eco to-go container is completely expendable once you run out of food. And once the eastern seaboard has plunged into complete chaos, no one will care about the health and environmental drawbacks of burning polypropylene.

4. Textbooks
As school becomes a distant memory and post-Sandy dystopia becomes a reality, it may be time to make use of your best kindling. Just remember that some course works are more expendable than others. Hold onto the Faulkners and Hemingways. Burn the Bradbury for irony. Ditch the Mankiw.

5. Rations from Jo’s
The jury’s still out on what’s inside Uncrustables, but it wouldn’t be a shock to learn they’re flammable?

6. Alcohol
With the closing of liquor stores and the absence of scholarly responsibilities, your most precious resource in college has become infinitely more commodified. You’ll want to keep a tight grip on your supplies and resist the urge to take advantage of their flammability.

Leave a Reply