Arboreal Apocalypse 2012: We hate you too, Jesse Watters

Jesse Watters, a producer creepy, ambushing, stalker lunatic at The O’Reilly Factor decided to take another trip up to beautiful Providence, Rhode Island to further his mission to prove that all Brown students are radical sex freaks hell-bent on ruining Christmas for “real” Americans. As some of you may remember, this is the same guy that crashed SPG in 2005. This time, however, Watters and Bill O’Reilly have their sights trained on heretical un-believer pagans that infest College Hill. O’Reilly even jokes that “the admissions policy at Brown” asks “do you believe in Christmas?” and doesn’t let you in if you check “yes.”

This isn’t a story. Five days ago when it came out, this wasn’t a story. This has never been a story, regardless of how loudly O’Reilly has decided to scream at people that it is. He also said Jon Stewart is clearly going to hell. Whatever.

But the real reason we’re mad, Jesse Watters, has very little to do with trees, regardless of what you want to call them. You have done to us the most unspeakable of sins for Brown students: You tried to boil us down to a homogeneous “type.” Deep down, some of us may be sincerely offended that there was a Christmas tree in the State House. Some of us definitely don’t care. Some of us won’t even care about—or agree with—this post if we read it. We are a diverse community with many different beliefs and convictions, even if you choose to only highlight certain ones that fit your hysterical, puritanical, “fair and balanced” newscast. We take No. 2 Maryland down to the wire in Men’s Soccer. We have GoodmanWe put on a Jewish wedding in a theater. We may make fun of ourselves for it—see our semantics bingo game—but we question the most basic underpinnings of our society because we want to change our world for the better.

So how dare you, Jesse Watters, pin us as a whole to an issue like a holiday tree. You want a glimpse of who we are? Check out Brown University Compliments. We’re really, really great. We may be overreacting, but it is only a reflection of how much we actually care about this school.

In fact, Jesse, we hope you read this post, do some digging on our content, uncover some posts that offend your sensibilities (you will), and go into SPG-style hysterics on us, too. So, Jesse Watters, please don’t ever come back to Brown. Bill O’Reilly, get at us.

With love,


  1. Two tears later. Jesse is great. Brown is great. Let’s all go get pizza!

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