In case you missed the news, the Engineering Department got a generous donation of $44 million. The University is probably going to be spending it on boring practical things, like infrastructure, but Blog would like to remind the Corporation that this is Brown—incubator of crazy, innovative, and not-necessarily-feasible ideas. Thus, we present a list of suggestions of what we’d do with $44 million and faculty doing awesome research.
1. Martian Housing
I mean, we already have professors who send robots to Mars. How hard could building a new dorm on the Red Planet be? This could be for the students who really, really want to study abroad. Besides, it couldn’t be a worse trip than going to Perkins.
2. Weather Machine
Of course, there are the practical applications, such as global climate change, and professors here are doing really cool work on that. But really, that’s missing the bigger picture: Never a rainy Spring Weekend ever again. Spontaneous snowball fights in spring. No more freak Halloween snowstorms.
3. A particle accelerator
Stanford already has one, and we have cool professors here who are unraveling mysteries of the foundations of the universe (nbd). So isn’t it time we got our own humongous smashing machine? Yeah, it’d probably cost a few billion more than the donation we got, and it might suck up all the electricity (sorry CIT). But think of the games or Beirut you could play with it!
4. A Bergernator
We already have awesome neural-robot interface—why not take it to the next level, and make autonomous robots that can provide dashing speeches, analyze music theory, and maybe lead to the end of mankind?
5. A roller coaster between the Rock and the SciLi
Let’s face it: The best part of high school physics was using it as an excuse to go to the local amusement park (potential energy and whatnot). Starting from the top of the SciLi, it’d barrel down and around Minden (which is practically the Tower of Terror anyway), loop over Metcalf, corkscrew through Sayles and the Main Green, and come to a lovely, screeching halt at the AQR. The only problem is that you’d have to willing go to the SciLi. Would that mean premeds have season passes?
6. 3D Printer Printer
Guys, RISD is beating us when it comes to doing super awesome tech. Astronaut gloves, 3D printing, space habitats—this ain’t no arts and crafts. Yeah, we have 3D printers in the Granoff, but I say we up the ante and get some 3D printer printers. Can you say printception?
7. The Matrix
We literally have a Virtual Reality Lab and awesome neuroscience researchers working on the BRAIN initiative. Why can’t I upload my consciousness yet? Of course, if there was virtual reality, rather than overthrowing tyrannical computer programs or exploring cyberspace, we’d probably end up distracted by playing with the virtual cats on the Internet.
8. Bat Cave
We have the beginnings of bat-themed researched—it’s time to scale up. Perched on top of the
Gotham Bank of America Building, the Dark Brown Knight would be armed with bat-themed weaponry and critical gender theory to combat crime, privilege, and systemic violence.
This one’s obvious, and not even that crazy! If we sold back the energy to Providence, hello another $44 million.