New traditions Brown definitely needs


Brown, like many other schools, cherishes its long-established traditions and encourages everyone to participate and be merry together. Just look at Spring Weekend: hundreds will participate in the numerous events and later join in solidarity as they collectively get slammed with raging hangovers. Traditions give a school character and bolster school spirit, as bizarre and morally questionable as they may be. Don’t get me wrong—I am extremely fond of the already existing traditions at Brown. I enjoy my nude pastry providers as much as the next guy, but it may be time for a little something new. Or you know, we could simply alter the ones that are already in place just a teeny bit. Don’t want to upset the reactionaries.

Naked Cronut Run

Honestly, I believe the NDR embodies the essence of the Brown community and to abolish it would be to deny a key aspect of our Brunonian experience. But, times they are a-changin’ my friend, and the delivered goods need a facelift.

Don't you want me, baby?

Don’t you want me, baby?

Allow me to propose a Naked Cronut Run. These little bundles of fried joy are the paradigm of culinary perfection. Donuts are tasty and all, but hell, does the American dream tell us to conform? No. It urges us to strive for the best in life, and cronuts are just that. They are more expensive than their plebeian counterparts, but fundraisers throughout the year are always an option. Or, we can offer both donuts and cronuts during the NCR (?), but students would have to pay extra at the time of the offer if they desire the latter. The transaction would have to be conducted carefully to prevent a strip club feel.

I just made a lame joke but you’re all laughing because I’m hot as fuck!

We’ve all seen it folks, the endless “confessions” and “compliments” posts in which hopeful students profess their love for the ever-so-unattainable TA. The TA, after all, is a strange creature. It (often) possesses the maturity and heightened air of a college professor while preserving the vitality (hopefully) and casualness of a young student. What if Brown could create a system for dating one’s (or another’s) TA? It would have to be meticulously planned to avoid extreme awkwardness. This system would match students with TAs, and TAs with TAs. While pioneering an innovative system for dating TAs may not seem like “tradition” material and may even raise a few eyebrows, it will certainly stick out as one of Brown’s notable accomplishments. We would be doing humanity, and love-struck youngsters, a great favor.

SexPowerWizards (an SPG and Comic-Con hybrid)

“Wizards?” you might ask perplexedly. Alright, hear me out for a sec. I know this idea sounds crazy. I mean, why just wizards, right? Why not other fictional creatures? Well, we can take wizards to include all those other fellers.

"You shall not pass... until you give me those digits."

“You shall not pass… until you give me those digits.”

SexPowerWizardsUnicornsVulcansSmeagol is a mouthful, after all. There is a side to the Brown community that not many people know about. It’s the group of people who heartily enjoy their fantasy and their sci-fi. They yearn for an occasion to wear their best cosplay outfits and interact with other fandom members with an effusiveness that won’t be condemned. Well, why not do this in the sexy environment that SexPowerGod provides? Everyone would be encouraged to come in his or her best costume (racy modifications allowed). The music will be blasting, everybody will be dancing and be doing it right. SexPowerWizards would create an environment for geeks fans of the unconventional to enjoy themselves without fear of humiliation all the while exploring their more sexual sides. Oh, what a time to be alive.

Department Wars

Brown already has Unit Wars at the beginning of the year, but we mustn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger. Representatives from academic departments will sign up to participate in a variety of fun activities. Plus, it’d be fun to watch how it all unravels. You’ll probably see the philosophers in the corner meditating normative values and the validity of epistemic positions. The chemists and physicists will be bickering over the relevance of their respective field, and the cognitive scientists will be taking notes on the participants’ problematic behaviors. On second thought, this might not turn out so well…

“That mathematician said WHAT about art history majors?”

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