I think that was The Emmys…

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Most of Emmy night is a blur for me due to a mixture of wine, confusing montages of the civil rights thrown in by the Emmy Academy, and the fact that everyone I was with wanted to play games rather than watch. Of course, the show was just about the longest thing ever, probably because nothing that went on made absolutely any sense. In exploring last night’s award show absurdity, we will divide all confusions and atrocities into three categories: 1) Fashion (aka WTF are you wearing?!) 2) Upsets (aka WTF they won?!) and 3) Everything Else (aka WTF is going on?!)

1) Fashion

Allison Williams: Take it easy. Don’t try so hard. Seriously, pick a safer outfit next time, you wouldn’t want to offend anyone.

Zooey Deschanel: So bad I almost miss the usual polka dots and bows.


Heidi Klum: Already making your pull for Dancing With The Stars?


Ariel Winter: Aren’t you suing your mom right now for not letting you date some 30-year-old? That’s an awfully innocent shade of pink for that kind of drama.


2) Upsets

This category goes out, for starters, to everyone on Veep. It was nice to see Tony Hale win an award for being Buster. And it was nice to see Julia Louis-Dreyfus win and then bring Buster with her on stage for no apparent reason. But it still feels like the Veep presence last night had to be the biggest surprise. I’ve seen my homepage flooded with anger over the Red Wedding, or whatever the heck is happening on Breaking Bad, but I’ve never seen so much as one tweet about Serena’s latest political offense. I kind of thought I was one of the only people who watched Veep. Touché Emmy Academy… Mad Men is just too mainstream for you guys now.

Jim Parsons from the Big Bang Theory may not technically count as an upset because he’s won before, but I actually think the fact that he’s won more than one award is the bigger upset. It’s like every year CBS and the Emmy executives sit down to a sushi dinner and decide that CBS will host the show, and in exchange one of their male leads will get a trophy. They’ve finally given up the goat (or is it ghost?) on John Cryer, and Jim Parsons was the next best bet.

But perhaps the biggest upsets of the evening were not those who won, but rather those who were not even nominated. New Girl? Workaholics? Zach Stone Is Gonna Be Famous? Pretty Little Liars? [Ed — wait what?It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia dedicated an entire episode this week to the fact that they never get nominated for anything. I think it’s safe to say that every show I just named is funnier than the past season of The Big Bang Theory. There should be a new award show dedicated exclusively to shows not afraid of the occasional rape joke. Louie can stay.

The Colbert Report beat out The Daily Show. Finally. I guess that’s what happens when you take a three-month vacay, J. Stew.

3) Other

It’s hard to know where to begin when describing last night’s confusion. It might be easier to make a short list of things that made sense and call it a day. But we press on. Here are some thoughts in real time:

  • Whoa, Robin Williams. What is he doing these days? He must really need money. If that’s the case, why not make a dramatic biopic about the genie from Aladdin instead? Oh actually he hates Disney because they used his voice for things after he explicitly asked them not to.
  • John Hamm’s facial hair.
  • Shemar Moore.
  • Who is “Edith” and why has this gray-haired man been talking about her for the last five minutes? Really sir, can we get a last name? Is she a family member of yours? Seriously who the fuck is Edith? (NOTE: Google Edith)
  • The commercials for Allison Janney’s show are so sad. It looks like the adult version of 2 Broke Girls. She must really miss The West Wing.
  • Elton John should not be allowed to make people call him “sir” and then wear pink-lensed glasses.
  • Why is Elton talking about Liberace? As far as I know, he did not have a large TV presence… or any presence at all in the past few decades. Is this evening brought to us by the early 1900s? No one named Edith has been born since the 1930s, I’m fairly confident that’s a fact. [Ed — well, there’s at least one]
  • I like when they call out all the TV shows, but they did this at the Oscars a few years ago. First they take NPH from the Tonys, now this from the Oscars… the Emmys needs to stop with the award show appropriation. And since when is Big Bang Theory that sexual?
  • Wait, Allison Janney is presenting. How can she face these people after they’ve all seen those commercials? She must be mortified.
  • Over half of the male presenters have been bald.
  • Will Ferrell has several small children with him on stage right now. I can’t hear what’s happening but I’m going to assume they’re his kids. What happened to that small girl from The Landlord?
  • Everyone in this black-and-white montage looks like a cowboy. One of them is straight up wearing a cowboy hat.
  • It must be awkward for Amy Poehler and Will Arnett to be divorced but constantly have to see each other at events like this.
  • Ugh, Modern Family.

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