A Misanthrope’s Guide To The Movies: The Lego Movie


Before you devote the next three minutes of your life to reading this incredibly well-written review by two individuals who love the attention, know that this time would be better spent at The Lego Movie. Having warned you that what you are about to do is petty and meaningless compared to the unparalleled pleasure that is The Lego Movie, we begin.

As popular, sophisticated college students, we spent this Wednesday night begging friends to see The Lego Movie. Luckily, as previously mentioned, we are extremely popular and managed to assemble a small crew of equally directionless individuals. Here is what ensued.

The walk to Providence Place Mall was a desolate hellscape of ice and misery. The anticipation of family-friendly entertainment kept us going. We also had to pee.

The movie was, in a word: Morgan Freeman (and this song, which basically sums up how cool this movie was to look at, cast and plot aside).  The cast was stacked, but the Academy Award definitely goes to Morgan. Charlie Day was also excellent, but he could read the Denny’s brunch menu and America would laugh. Will Ferrell is involved in a non-animated capacity, but we basically ignored him because his son’s jew-fro stole the show.

The plot of the movie was not original, but was definitely outrageous enough to keep its audience (five young adults on a Wednesday at 10 p.m.) interested. That said, the moral seemed to have very strong individualistic theme. At several points, Morgan Freeman’s animated face utters to the audience, “you are the special.” We left believing him. We’re not sure what demographic this movie was intended for, but we left with some philosophical conundrums we’re still in the process of mulling over.

No disrespect to The Lego Movie, which we highly recommend, but the real drama of the evening occurred after the credits had already rolled. Two of our anonymous compatriots found a small room between the bathrooms that the theaters filled with two large dumpsters. Like any sane human, we decided to dumpster dive. What should we find but the promotional cardboard cutouts of all the characters of The Lego Movie (and a few female torsos to characters from some movie we have yet to identify), torn up because the movie was already released! These cutouts were promptly donated to loving homes.

We were obviously stopped by a mall cop (Paul Blart), who told us he had been directed to ask where we found our cardboard friends. Some higher power literally walkie-talkied him to say: “there are several juvenile delinquents headed your way with large pieces of cardboard. Stop them immediately and demand an explanation. We don’t know what they’re capable of.” A mere two feet from the guard’s release, one of our less subtle friends sang loudly “EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!” (referring to the song we embedded earlier). We trekked all the way back up the hill with these life-size Lego men. They will now live with us forever.

brian cutout

Brian and his cool lego cutouts

jessica cutout

Jessica’s obscure female and unattached limb. If anyone can identify the movie this woman is from, please let us know.

In conclusion. Morgan Freeman. Individualism. Fuck the Police.

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