Let me preface the following article by saying I am a hygienic person. I brush my teeth at least twice a day. I wash my hands for twenty seconds under warm water with soap. I shower before leaving my room in the morning, and I get a new plate if I want seconds at the Ratty (full disclosure: I don’t want to). Having said that, here are six reasons why I never do laundry and you shouldn’t either:
1) Save money. A full cycle of laundry costs $3.00. But let’s be real: you’re doing more than one load at a time. Even if you try to cram it all in one drier, that’s $4.50 for clean clothes (read: damp). That money could be better spent on
alcohol textbooks. Or hummus. Or literally anything else. Also, since the Bear Bucks machine only take bills, you’re really sacrificing the full $5.00. That shit adds up, and I ain’t no sucka.
2) I may have enough underwear and socks to last me through the apocalypse. My boxer collection could be in the MoMA, if the MoMA was deemed the lair between “my junk” and “the elements.” My shirts and pants can go through hell and high water, but the family jewels get a new home every morning, even if that home has the Superman logo on it. Besides, it’s not like I’m rolling around in dirt and vomit. How dirty could my clothes really be?
3) Everyone trying to do laundry is a dick. Myself included. You included. Laundry is the Hunger Games, if the Hunger Games happened more than once per year and everyone involved had no moral compass and a penchant for passive aggression. What’s the point of cleaning my clothes if they are all going to end up in a wet pile on the floor? There is no good way to remove anyone’s underthings from a laundry machine, especially when you are 100% sure that someone is going to walk in when one’s thong is in your hand. It’s not my fault.
4) The driers are as effective as me exhaling on my pants for an hour. A person having an asthma attack would more effectively rid my clothes of moisture than those forsaken machines, which really just take my clothes on a fun ride before I have to put them on the radiator in my room overnight.
5) Stairs. I live on the 4th floor of Diman and the laundry room is in the basement. I don’t care how elevated your room is, laundry weighs a ton. I don’t know about you, but I’m not exactly built to carry objects that weigh more than I do (too be fair, I weigh very little, but also, shut up). I was dragged kicking and screaming into the laundry room; I didn’t agree for a side trip to the gym.
6) Laundry is for adults! Real people do laundry! Are you an adult? You probably don’t know the name of the last person whose mouth touched your mouth. You probably ate oatmeal for the past six meals. You woke up with a shoe in your fridge (seriously, who hasn’t woken up with footwear next to their apples?)!
It’s time for a revolution, Brown University! No more laundry, under the condition you are a clean person who never smells bad!