Brown’s football team suffered a demoralizing defeat to Harvard during last week’s Homecoming game. Though the loss did little to dampen the Homecoming festivities, we’d still really like to see our team kick the crap out of Harvard next year. Here I offer some general tips and a few specific plays to help Brown vanquish their foes from Cambridge next year.
Use Horses: Harvard kept tackling the Brown players and taking the ball away from them. Mounting Brown’s offensive linemen on draft horses would make it much harder for Harvard to do this. And good luck catching wide receiver Troy Doles once he gets going on his Thoroughbred.
Leave at least two receivers in both end zones at all times: This way, they don’t have to spend as much time running back and forth. Also, giving them baseball mitts or industrial-sized fishing nets could make it easier to catch the ball.
Put more players on the field: There were like at least 100 players on the sidelines. What are they waiting for?!? I bet it would be a lot harder for Harvard to get the ball if that many Brown players were on the field.
Bribe the referees: This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
-Send one of the receivers out for a pass and have him yell “Dibs!” as the throw is coming in. That way the defenders aren’t allowed to touch the ball.
-If it looks like Harvard is going to score, all the Brown players turn and look the other way. Then, when Harvard says they scored, the Brown players turn back around and say “Prove it!”
-The quarterback hands off the ball to the running back, who sneaks off the side of the field and runs around the stadium and in through the back of the end zone. Really can’t believe they haven’t tried this one yet.
-When the Brown quarterback calls out a play, have him include several embarrassing personal comments about the Harvard linemen.
-When the quarterback receives the snap, he pretends that he sees a really weird-looking bug in the grass. When the Harvard team gathers around eagerly to see the bug, the quarterback says, “Made you look!” and rides his horse in for a touchdown.
-Call a time out. Then, while Harvard is still on their water break, say “Time in!” and run really quickly into the end zone.
-Hide the ball in the Brown band’s tuba during halftime. When the second half starts, the whole Brown team pretends to look for the ball while the tuba player quietly scores as many touchdowns as possible.
Or we could just cut our losses by canceling the game. Go Bruno!