You may or may not know this, but Sims 3 (and a host of expansion packs) is available for download online for $25–a small price to pay to relive the glory days of your youth. The nostalgia alone from the fact that the game takes two hours to load, once opened, is enough to reduce me to tears every time. Nothing makes a late-90s, early-2000s kid happier than drowning their virtual likeness in their massive pool, and trying to make the Grim Reaper take their unwanted love child instead. But playing The Sims does have its downsides. No matter how similar you make you and your Sim, you will never be able to type “rosebud;:;:” in the upper-left-hand corner of your life and get millions of dollars to buy thousands of genie lamps. Here are the top 5 reasons your Sim’s life is better than yours:
Ever wished that instead of a waitress making minimum wage and living for tips, you could be a world famous chef worth millions? According to The Sims, all you have to do is read a cookbook, and wait for your boss to call with your next promotion. Wish that instead of a test subject for other people’s experiments, you could be a top scientist working on curing the latest global epidemic? Easy, play chess with your neighbors one afternoon! You’ll be amazed at how the logic acquired from your game translates directly to your job saving lives with science.
Think $250 a day is too much to pay for a maid? So does your Sim. Luckily, they have an adoption process that requires no paperwork or vetting whatsoever. There are no child education requirements in The Sims world and DCFS basically only shows up if you starve the kid. So why not use your child as your personal housekeeper? No reason. Children can take out the trash, clean up the leftovers from when your Sim “served breakfast,” and even recycle the newspapers that have accumulated on your lawn because the paper boy just can’t take a hint.
3. Car Service
Remember the waitress and test subject from before? Well, in real life, they have to drive in traffic, or take the bus/subway to work. In The Sims, a nice car shows up every morning to drive them to work free of charge–no matter what they do for a living. Actually, cars take your Sims everywhere. Got the celebrity expansion pack? Car service will take you to the magical adjacent neighborhood where everyone is a famous and/or aspiring, singer, actress or model. The vacation expansion? A nice black limo will show up to take you to your snow lodge or tropical getaway. Forget healthcare, I hope whoever runs in 2016 does so on the platform of universal car service.
4. The Clothing
Above all else, your Sims have a better life than you because they live in a world where it is entirely acceptable to wear the same outfit every day of your life. It’s okay that you only want to wear jeans and your cool Smashmouth T-Shirt every day. The lady across the street is wearing a sundress and string of pearls that she never takes off. Her husband only wears his speedo. But, guess what? No one cares. And if, worst comes to absolute worst, and you do have to change clothes for, say, your job. The painstaking process of removing your clothing and finding another outfit and putting that outfit on is entirely irrelevant! All you have to do is spin around and Voila! 5 seconds later you are wearing your lab coat and your old ensemble has miraculously put itself back in your dresser.
5. All of The Other Societal Norms
I once had a Sim wet herself in the middle of a marriage proposal and the proposal still happened. I’ve never proposed to anyone, but I think if I did and they wet themselves mid-way through, it might give me pause. I once had a Sim refuse to put down his potato chips as a DCFS lady wandered through the kitchen to take his neglected child. Because, priorities. Tickling someone as a flirting technique is encouraged and showering only becomes a necessity every few days. Think of all the free time you would have if you never changed clothes or showered or worked on anything? Lots more time to paint on your easel, that’s for sure.