Theories why the Blue Room refuses to spread cream cheese


The Blue Room is a great place to get a good meal. Where else but the Blue Room can you walk in at10 a.m. and get a chocolate chip muffin, a sushi roll, and an iced coffee? Despite all the love and admiration for the Blue Room, it has one major problem: why won’t we spread cream cheese? I work for BuDS and have never gotten a real answer. This may seem like a ridiculous problem to have with such a great place. Thanks to extensive socratic research and analysis, compiled here are the best theories of why we won’t spread for you.

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Rhode Island has put stringent regulations on the cream cheese business.

As many people know, Rhode Island is a corrupt very particular state. It has laws and regulations that are unique, perhaps, to its Puritanic heritage. Some examples of rational laws in Rhode Island are as follows:

1) It is against the law to throw pickle juice at a trolley.

2) It is against the law to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.

These make sense, and they reflect the strict social controls the Ocean State has drafted over the years to uphold its morally sound society. Would it be so crazy to think that Rhode Island passed an anti-cream-cheese-spreading law?

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Brown has a financially selfish ulterior motive.

Brown has made some ambitious investments in the butter industry. Brown will take any opportunity it can to deter its students from using cream cheese. Fact.

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Blue Room workers have an irrational fear of cream cheese.

Everyone has irrational fears. Mine? Pigeons. (Don’t ask because I don’t think you want the explanation). An irrational fear of cream cheese could explain why none of us behind the counter even touches the cream cheese. The transfer from behind the counter into that clear bag with your bagel is swift and painless for everyone.

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The Blue Room accidentally bought 1 million of the little cream cheeses.

An order mishap of this magnitude could be responsible. Obviously no one expects to have us open individual cream cheese packets every time we need to smear a bagel. That would be anarchy. We can hold out hope that we will one day see the return of normal cream cheese tubs and gone will be the days of individual cream cheese. I actually enjoy spreading people’s cream cheese — call me crazy.

There is no formal cream cheese spreading training for BuDS workers.

For those who do not work for BuDS, training is pretty rigorous. We are walked through, step-by-step, everything that needs to get done from the beginning of a shift to the bitter end. It is true that I never have learned proper spreading techniques for cream cheese, but I feel like my hummus spreading training has made me more than qualified.

Another day and another shift. I have tried to impart my insider’s wisdom unto you, the readers, but my theories have been met with responses like “too creative” or “probably not though.”

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1 Comment

  1. Although I am not a native Rhode Islander, I have tried to take some pride in the state where Brown, which I love so dearly, is located. The Rhode Island spirit is rooted in the religious freedom that distinguished it from the rest of the colonies. That is why I take issue with the statement that you use to justify your shaky thesis: “It has laws and regulations that are unique, perhaps, to its Puritanic heritage [sic].”
    The city of Providence was founded by Roger Williams following his exile from the Massachusetts Bay Colony, the place actually known for a strong Puritan heritage.
    I figured I’d critique factual accuracy since so many people already said “too creative” and “probably not though.”

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