If Spring Weekend performers actually went to Brown

Yes, the SW performers are coming here but they aren’t going here — catch my drift? A two hour performance does not make you Brown student. But this is BlogDailyHerald, and Hank is back to throw some light on deep hypothetical situations to ramble back. Let us explore what it would be like if Hudson Mohawke, Yeasayer, Pusha T, Waka Flocka, and Modest Mouse got early admissions acceptance Z-listed and were Brown Students.

Hudson Mohawke

Hudson, or Ross Birchard as his mom calls him, is from Scotland (which is like England’s slightly paler cousin). He is a DJ, just like me, but he doesn’t play his iPod unwelcomely at pre-games he is not actually invited to. He is also a producer (whatever that means) on Kanye West’s G.O.O.D Music label. Lastly, he is (the better) half of the DJ duo TNGHT (pronounced tonight). Ok, backstory complete, now the jokes can start!

So what would Hudson be like as a Brown student? I think you could find Hudson throwing out fire jams at Small Victories party at Colosseum, Ultra, or one of those other horrible places. Likely to be constantly mixing beats in his dorm room, Hudson would live on the Main Green and blast music 24/7 out his window. He might learn about Scottish history or maybe he would study music? Both sound like so much…  fun? I reached out to Hudson Mohawke’s people to ask what his favorite food is and if he plays any sports. So far, they have not responded, which is shocking. Would he be in a fraternity? Do fraternities still exist at Brown? Insert monkey emoji here. 

Waka Flocka Flame

BRIIIIIIICK SQUAD. From Atlanta, this heavy rapper will be bringing some serious thunder to Friday night’s already impressive line-up. (Quick PSA, if BCA wants me to get on stage to interpretive dance for 5 hours, then I am free — like honestly, almost too free.) Waka’s music is focuses on the female body, gun noises, the irony of him actually having two hands, and some heavy panting. He looks a little bit like my uncle Jimmy, and a lot like Dog The Bounty Hunter. Waka has made a name for himself through absolutely dominating the college concert scene. He is a hard worker; rapping is his side gig, as he is a full-time husband on the Real Housewives of Atlanta.

If Waka was a Brown student, he would be the most popular man on campus. He would always be throwing huge parties, introducing everyone to the cast of the Real Housewives, and always being down to go the Ratty or late night Jo’s (he is a big dude). I have a feeling Waka and Hazeltine would have a lot to talk about, and many memories and share, so imagine him taking a lot of ENGN and ECON classes. I am sure Waka would love to help the Brick Squad with their financials, or the business side of going hard in the mother fucking paint! ROLL FLOCKA!


These hipsters from Brooklyn honestly may already go to Brown. I heard a rumor they all went to St. Anne’s, participate in Story Slam, only eat at the Ivy Room, and are all growing out their man buns and facial hair for Spring Weekend. With hits like O.N.E. and Ambling Alp that you have probably heard in FIFA 12 a thousand times, they are upbeat, trendy, and super fun. What would these guys study? My best guess would probably be Environmental Studies, Literary Arts, Gender and Sexuality, or Developmental Studies. But also, they may make their own major because these guys are cool, hip, hot and have cuffed pants.

Pusha T

Quick backstory: I saw Pusha T with friends in Montreal this summer and my friend cried. PUSHA IS DOPE. I am pumped for his Saturday appearance. I would invite my friend but I don’t want him crying all over the Main Green/… he was me. Pusha is also part of Kanye’s G.O.O.D. Music label, so maybe he will also come out with Hudson on Friday?!?!

If Pusha went to Brown and did any of the things he raps about, he would probably have a deans hearing… or 10. You know what Pusha says when the Ratty serves food he doesn’t like? “That is the shit I don’t like!” This may be a stretch, but then again, so is this whole article. Maybe “Numbers On The Boards?” is about how big of a sports fan he is? Or maybe not? I have texted Pusha like 10 times to hang when he comes to campus, but he is playing hard to get/has filed a restraining order against me. Classic Pusha. TEXT ME BACK MY DUDE.

Modest Mouse

Ironically, Modest Mouse is super cocky and there are actually no mice in the band. That joke was so bad it was funny, right? RIGHT? Modest Mouse is the Brown student who started school, took like 8 years off  to do something cool, and then went back to Brown to graduate with an English degree, 3 kids, and a sense of superiority. Modest Mouse helped me cope with a really long awkward phase from 6th grade to freshman year… of college; so, Saturday will be a spiritual journey for me on the Main Green. Modest Mouse sort of reminds me of a group of TAs who got bored of grading papers and started a band out of one of their garages. When they aren’t grading papers/chilling in Tealuxe, Modest Mouse is dropping a new album.

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1 Comment

  1. cool jokes man!!!

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