Assuming you were able to snag tickets amid the free-for-all online scrum on Monday, it’s still likely that you won’t end up directly in front of center stage. If you want to high five Isaac Brock or kiss/fight Waka Flocka Flame, you’re going to have to get creative. Here are our suggestions for how to get up to the front of a Spring Weekend concert without overtly looking like an asshole:
“Uhhh… I don’t feel so good.”
Proclaim how dizzy and sick you are feeling as you move forward through the crowd. Throw in a “I think I’m gonna…” here and there. If people don’t respond, bend over and cover your mouth with your hands.
Effectiveness:✯✯✯✯✩ Getting puked on is one of many things that can immediately ruin someone’s spring weekend experience. Anyone paying attention will step aside once aware of the ticking vomit-bomb.
Yell “Fuck” while repeatedly covering and uncovering your face with your hands. Pretend that you lost your phone and/or significant other at the front of the crowd.
Effectiveness:✯✯✩✩✩ People on Spring Weekend are generally in a pretty good mood. The sight of someone distressed will conflict with built up positive energy; this might leave them annoyed for a second but they’ll be happy once you’re out of sight.
Get some friends to hoist you atop the crowd and succumb to the will of those underneath you.
Effectiveness: ✯✯✯✯✩ This strategy may not get you to the front but you can make progress if you are persistent. Crowd surfing will also leave a gap between the people behind you, which your friends can use to make their way forward.
Bring out your board and wait for the next wave to come. When it does, you’ll cruise right on over the crowd and straight into the action.
Effectiveness: ✯✩✩✩✩ Even with global warming, the chances of a perfect wave coming through the Main Green and without canceling the concert are pretty slim.
Dress up as EMTs.
Impersonating medical personnel may be morally and socially frowned upon by pretty much everyone, but at least you won’t overtly look like an asshole. Be sure to change while everyone’s not looking at you up at the front.
Effectiveness: ✯✯✯✯✯ Only assholes don’t step aside for other assholes pretending to be emergency workers.
Drug the bass player.
When the band realizes that one of their members is incapacitated (Russell Higbee of Modest Mouse is probably the best target), they will most likely ask if anyone from the crowd can play bass. At this point humbly volunteer to take his or her place (this actually happened at a Who concert in 1973).
Effectiveness: ✯✯✩✩✩ This could backfire if you do not play bass, or if you get confused and accidentally drug yourself…
Go to the way way way back.
Few people realize that some leading physicists believe we inhabit a repeating universe much like Pac-man. In other words, if you go far enough to one side of the concert area, you are bound to come out on the other side.
Effectiveness: ✩✩✩✩✩ Messing with black holes is never good.
After reviewing these options, it’s important to consider if it even matters to be in the front of the concert. This isn’t an 1870s political speech–the music will be blasting loud and clear to everyone in the venue. Is it really worth spending the concert crushed between the stage and a mass of people just so you can say “Pusha T fist-bumped the dude next to me?”