Drunk/Sober/High is a series started at New York University’s blog NYULocal. It sends a drunk person, a sober person, and a high person to all go enjoy (and endure) the same experience together. We love it, so we thought we’d give it a try.
This is the story of three people, one drunk, one sober, and one high, and their quest to Senior Night at Ale House. One of them isn’t even an f***ing senior, but shut up, that’s not the point.
Why were they going to Ale House? For the free food that there certainly wouldn’t be enough of, or the existential crisis they were bound to have anyway this week? The exact answers to these questions are unknown, but perhaps you can determine it yourself, from the gripping account below.
Sober: Drunk and High weren’t ready to meet up until 10:15… They told me 9:45. I knew I shouldn’t offer to be sober – Sober is always the person who gets irritable the quickest. At least I can wear my cat-eye make up without immediately smudging it off in a drunken or drug induced stupor.
Drunk: Hey Sober, I like your lipstick. Where’d you get it, Hot Topic?
High: I’m afraid I’m not high enough.
One minute later
High: Shit, I think I am too high I might have to go home.
Drunk: You are home – we haven’t left your dorm yet.
High: You’re right, you’re right I’m fine. Drunk should drink more though.
Sober: Agreed, but let’s go.
High: Actually, I don’t want to leave yet. Can we wait ten minutes?
Drunk: Well the event ends in thirty-five minutes
Sober: Oh shit. Guys let’s go.
En route to Ale house, they witness the largest gathering of the biker gang that any of them have seen. One of them does a wheelie while ripping down Thayer Street. Sober and Drunk want to blog about the motorcycle crew, but don’t know how to approach them for an interview. A decision is reached to write a blog post hypothesizing how one would communicate with the bikers. Keyword: Traffic cones.
High: Drunk, do you realize that Sober is writing down everything we say.
Drunk: Hey High, don’t censor yourself.
Sober: So Drunk claims that he drank peppermint schnapps, but High insists she saw him drink cranberry juice and vodka
Some wildly tricked out go carts now cruise down Thayer: Mad Max Thayer Street/Road. They arrive at Ale House. All of the food is gone, and no one is there.
High: (to a non-blogging individual) Hey, how’s senior year going?!
Random person: Actually, I’m a junior…
Drunk orders a whiskey and ginger ale because it is the bartender’s specialty, and he opens a tab. The bartender took a couple of journalism classes, so he gets it.
Sober: Let’s go downstairs.
Drunk: Okay, but should I close out here? Will they continue my tab downstairs?? I don’t know, I just turned 21, I’ve never been to a bar before!
Drunk now crashes a Class Coordinating Board group picture, while High tries to acclimate to their new surroundings. Sober is busily taking notes. Journalism. They finally make it downstairs.
Drunk: I’m a senior, why don’t I know anybody here. I know six people, and recognize four. This has to be memorable, let’s do something crazy.
High: This kind of makes me sad.
Drunk: Because no one showed up, and they probably spent all of our class money on this, or because we’re losers who showed up two hours late?
High: Oh my god this started at nine?!
Drunk: Go Jeremy Maclin!
High tries some of Drunk’s drink, but is afraid that it is illegal to be drunk and high at the same time. For Blog, of course. Not the actual law, because that doesn’t matter.
Drunk: What if everyone upstairs is buying drinks on my tab? I’ve seen it happen before, in the movies. Or maybe I’ll never get my credit card back. I don’t know, I’ve never been to a bar before!
High: I’m sad, I want to leave. Sober is not paying attention to us, and just writing on on her phone about us!
Sober: Sorry. Honestly I thought I would’ve slept with way more people at this thing. I don’t think I’ve slept with anyone here. Once a guy made me whipped cream, and then we made out. But the whipped cream wasn’t sexual or anything.
Drunk: I’m writing that down. Just like when High said that she was “high as fro-yo”.
High: I said I was eyeing fro-yo!
Drunk: Agree to disagree.
High: I can’t stop rocking back and forth in my seat. This made me sad because it felt empty, and Ale House is a garbage bar, because they make ice cubes made of garbage water.
Sober: Drunk, you should chug!
Drunk: But my drink has ice, I’ll get brain freeze. Does this count as one of our eight posts for the semester? Go Jeremy Maclin! He’s on my Fantasy team.
In order to leave Ale House at approximately 11:10, Sober must teach Drunk the ways of closing a tab.
High: I’m at the point where I’m just tired.
Drunk: Sadly, me too.
Sober yawns for the 10th time that hour.
Finals thoughts, by Drunk:
We should have gone earlier — and maybe been blacked out and all drunk instead of just me. I’m going to win a fish at wick pub.