The Anti-Slump: The Slump…it’s here!


Get to the life rafts!

I don’t have much time. We don’t have much time. We sophomores have been working hard this semester to keep the Slump at bay. At times it seemed like we had even gained the upper hand. But alas, all of our progress might be for naught. The storm is coming. In fact, I fear it is already upon us.


Hurricane Finals, circa RIGHT NOW.

There is still time to escape, to save yourself before the tempest strikes. You can drop a class anytime before finals. I strongly urge anyone reading this to drop all of their classes IMMEDIATELY, and then walk in a quiet and orderly fashion to the nearest fallout shelter. There should be enough Spam in there to last you until junior year, when it will be safe to come out again.

If you have take-home finals, then get out! Get out now! SAVE YOURSELF!

Der Untergang der Titanic

Sophomore year, amirite?

Be warned, sophomores: the Slump fills you with an insidious apathy that will render you powerless even as Hurricane Finals makes landfall. Even now, many of our second-year compatriots are stuck in their dorms, transfixed by mediocre Netflix sitcoms and paralyzed by their own apathy. These poor souls may already be lost to the Slump, but if they are reading this article, let me say to them: Get out of your bed, leave your dorm, walk off campus, and never come back. The Slump can’t get you if you simply refuse to be a sophomore.

Dwayne Johnson 4.jpg

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, studying for finals.

Time is running out, and if you don’t act now, the Slump will devour you. But the chances of you doing anything to save yourself are slim, because finals are here, and you are very, very lazy.

Ok, so for those of you who are not ready to give up on your college education just yet, there are a few other ways to weather the storm without dropping out (there will be plenty more occasions to give up later).

  1. Friends: You know ’em and maybe you like ’em, but either way, they’re definitely around. Spending 12 hours a day in the Rock is unhealthy (unless you actually are The Rock, see above). So take a break and chill with your buddies.
  2. Food: Don’t listen to the naysayers, stress-eating is super rewarding and yummy. Stock up on M&Ms.
  3. Netflix: You know what to do.
  4. Exercise: Always wanted to get swole? Channel your desire to procrastinate into working out. Also, bench pressing is good for the mind.
  5. Hard Work and Determination: You could organize study groups, catch up on reading, and devote several hours each day to reviewing subject material from the year. By doing consistent amounts of concentrated studying, you’ll engage more deeply in your course work and be in good shape to pass your exams with flying colors. Use this strategy as a last resort only.

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