Until very recently, I was under the impression that it was a right of passage for guys to carry condoms around in their wallets. Then a guy friend asked me to hold his wallet for him and I found out, perhaps unethically, that his wallet was barren of that infamous Bear Necessity.
This realization sparked a debate within my mixed-gender friend group. We were divided in a surprisingly organized way. The girls all had condoms on their person; the boys all did not.
This week’s life article, therefore, is an open letter to sex-happy boys who don’t carry condoms.
You’ll get no sex from me.
Let’s be real, if you can’t risk stretching out your wallet with a condom, I’m not going to risk stretching out my vagina with your penis.
We will tell our friends.
I will actively prevent my friends from hooking up with someone who I think is contraceptively incompetent, and nothing conveys that more than an unwillingness to carry birth control.
It does not make you look sleazy.
To the contrary, it makes you seem like a knowledgeable young gentleman who is considerate of the risks involved with having sex with you. That’s sexy.
What if your friend needs one?
I was always under the impression that banging a condom off a friend was the highest level of bromance television could legally broadcast. But since I was wrong about the coming-of-age thing, we can just go with THIS CAN PREVENT YOUR FRIEND/FRIEND’S SIGNIFICANT OTHER FROM GETTING PREGNANT OR CONTRACTING A VENEREAL DISEASE. Do you want that, beesch?
What if you need one?
Don’t count yourself out, champ. You never know when you’re going to be wishing you had one. And trust me, you’re not going to want to have to choose between unsafe sex and no sex at all. That’s how poor decisions are made.
The simple way to protect against poor decisions is simply carrying a condom.
But seriously guys, Chandler Bing has been keeping a condom in his wallet since he was 12, and he didn’t even touch a girl’s breast until he was 19.
But remember, condoms are only 98 percent effective when used correctly, so plan accordingly. Using two makes it less effective, and the expiration date is there for a reason. In all you do, have fun, be safe, be merry.
Have good sex (or nah)!
— April Jailbait.