In life, there are usually two types of people (if you ask me). However, when it comes to freshmen, I’m going to make a case that there are five types I’d like to highlight.
You may not be one of these people, but you’ve definitely met one of them. Here’s a rough guide to these freshmen archetypes (with added quotes, when possible).
- Perpetual High School Senior
“I don’t even know how I got into Brown. I only got 1590 on the SATs. I guess my last 72, 192 summers doing philanthropic work in Burkina Faso counted for something. I really feel that Brown will give me the tools to explore my potential to the fullest. By the way, [no correlation whatsoever] did I tell you I was Class President and was also part of 37 other clubs, 36 of which I founded? I planned on taking 6 classes, but I guess not everyone is ready for that. So I’ll have to go with 5. Excuse me, where are you going?”
Sorry, fellow Freshman, thought it was a monologue. Your ego seemed to be taking up my space in the conversation.
- The Party “Animal”
[justifying not getting the paper for the omelet order at the Ratty] “Oh, guys. I’m still sooo drunk from yesterday.”
You’re definitely not? I was there, and one shot of fireball would not do this to you.
[overheard boasting at Joe’s] “Once I drank like an entire bottle of vodka” Well, I guess you’re speaking to us from beyond the grave then, because you would have died.
[while being held up by her friends] “I’m not always like this, you know?” I know always is a hard commitment, but I saw her the following week in a very similar predicament.
“Hey bro, what’s up dude ready to get lit – I’ve been talking to this chick man and my roommate is about to be sexiled, you know, like she’s very hot – no strings attached though – there’s this other chick too, so hot man” [end of transcript. untranslatable sequence]
- Work harders/Try-Hards
High school surely made an impression on these ones. There are no quotes for them, because they’re too busy studying to say very much.
They’ve heard of the dogma “work hard, play hard”, but got right on to studying and missed its second half. You will probably never see one of them in broad daylight. Assignments define them. Most commonly used words are paper, quiz, practice test, and exam.
- Nice Obliviates
These people also lack a transcription because, as soon as you say goodbye to them (or while you’re talking to them, sorry guys), they simply evaporate from your memory, challenging even the less-forgetful to remember their name. They are usually super nice people. They are polite and considerate, but they are also alarmingly good at camouflaging and vanishing from your mental database. Their names, faces and words are an indistinguishable blur.
They’re really nice, though.
*International Student Bonus*
Here’s a sneak peek into some typical encounters I’ve experienced so far.
“Oh, so you’re from Brazil?!?!?! That’s so cool and EXOTIC. So you speak Brazilian, right? Or is it Spanish? How was the World Cup?? And the Olympics? Is it true that you all live close to the Amazon Rain Forest?”
Once, during a party search with a Turkish friend, we came across some people leaving Keeney. Perpetuating the freshman protocol of incessant introductions / icebreakers, this guy asks us where we’re from.
Brazil, I answer. Not that much of a reaction for his South American neighbor.
Turkey, says my friend. We could never have predicted the words that would slip out of his mouth. “[nasally voice] Oh my god! That’s lit beyond measure!”
Truthfully, each and everyone of us have embraced all or some of these stereotypes at some point in our life. That doesn’t make them any easier to stand them, though.
No further comments, your honor.