Things Nobody Has Ever Said at Brown

  1. Why don’t we just call it the Sharpe?

  1. Thank god all this construction is going on, I don’t know what I would do if I saw an unblocked sidewalk.

  1. Instead of anger at the petty, personal inconvenience ambulance alarms cause for me over the weekends, I feel empathy and pain for those that called the paramedics.

  1. I’m an asshole pedestrian, but I refuse to admit it because existing on a college campus has made me believe that the streets between Brown and Hope belong exclusively to me.

  1. That guy revving his motorcycle super fucking loudly must have a gigantic phallus.

  1. I joke about getting hit by the shuttle to pay for my tuition, but I own two Canada Goose jackets and my parents live in the Hamptons.

  1. My friends from orientation are my strongest support network, even four years after orientation.

  1. 257 Thayer is priced reasonably and in no way caters to the economic 1% that Brown loves to disproportionately accept.

  1. Plastic-bottle-vodka mixed with diet Coke is my favorite drink, and I mean that legitimately, not because it’s all I have access to as an underaged college student.

  1.  Burrito bowls are forty cents more expensive at the larger Bajas- another example of the failures of capitalism.  

  1.  Figuring out whether to wave, smile, or say hi to people I met at a party once in freshman year but still recognize causes me no anxiety whatsoever.

  1.  I make memes about depression because they’re relatable and convince myself they’re a good example of mental illness representation ─­ even though I’ve never struggled with depression myself.

  1.  The practicality of lanyards seriously outweighs what a fucking dweeb you look like while wearing them.

  1.  The food security the Ratty provides makes up for the fact that they use raisins as seasoning.

  1.  Thank god Patagonia opened on Thayer. Everyone is talking about it, and I’m pretty sure it’s going to become the next campus hotspot.

  1.  I’ve been following my budget closely all semester, and I’m actually at a surplus.

  1.  I bought all the textbooks for my classes this semester.

  1.  East-Side Mini-Mart offers goods at reasonable prices and doesn’t try to price-gouge college students that don’t have any other options in the near vicinity.

  1.  You know what would be a terrible idea for Thayer? A supermarket.

  1.  Trader Joe’s coming to Thayer was never a believable proposition, but being spoon-fed the concept that hard work and resiliency essentially deserve cosmic reward made me accept it without question.

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