Left Shark at Brown

The best part of the Superbowl, besides when the Patriots MURDERED the Seahawks on the biggest stage and on the biggest play, was Left Shark.

Left Shark stole the half time show from Katy Perry, Missy Eliott and Lenny “Biggest Scarf In the World” Kravitz, and went viral. Since I only blog about hard hitting news, I decided to tackle the idea of the Left Shark as a student at Brown.

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= .25 x Left Shark (I am not a math concentrator)

Where would Left Shark live?

Left Shark couldn’t live in any of the freshman dorms because the water pressure is too low and a shark could not survive in a Keeney or Andrews bathroom. Trust me, I have tested this (R.I.P. Simon, my hammerhead friend). To be safe, Left Shark would live in the pool in Nelson because he is a shark and sharks live in water… no brainer. Also, realistically, Left Shark would eat any given roommate.

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Late Night Texts with BUS

Valentine’s Day is coming up and like many people I don’t have a valentine. Don’t cry for me–unless you want to. In that case, cry all you want. However, the other night, I was alone and cold with no one to text other than my mom (she barely responds), so I decided to text the always responsive Brown Shuttle and see if it was down to late night hang.

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Classic late night text: “Are you up? Oh you are? Wanna make out and watch Always Sunny?” One hundred percent of the time someone actually responds, “Yes!”

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Masshole* Super Bowl Reaction

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*You are a Masshole when: you are from Massachusetts, you would name your first born Tom no matter the gender, your favorite movies are The Departed and The Departed (pronounced Dehpahted), you refer to NYC as that place with giant rats and tight jeans, you have a Bruins logo tattooed on one ass cheek and Celtics logo tattooed on the other, and Matt Damon is your God.

I said it. I believed it. I called it. The Pats were going to win the Super Bowl. I predicted the Pats to win 100-0, which was obviously ridiculous, but us Massholes have no shame and no humility, so you really can’t blame me for such an outlandish claim. In actuality, I’m not surprised it was such a close game. The Seahawks are a fantastic team, with a scary defense and a powerhouse running game. They dominated the Super Bowl stage last year and emasculated Peyton Manning and his lack of chin (I hate you Peyton, I hate you so much you thumb-looking chump). Yet, no matter how good the Seahawks were, the Patriots bundled them in front of a billion people. Before I finish bragging, there are a lot of questions and distractions leading up to the Super Bowl that I want to quickly address.

Q: Did they deflate the balls?

A: No, what a stupid rumor. Anyone who believes this is an egg head. EGG HEAD! I have never believed in anything more than the proper firmness of Brady’s balls (footballs, jeez–get your head out of the gutter).

Q: Why doesn’t Marshawn Lynch talk to the media?

A: Who cares!!!!! He is the best running back in football. When you can run through a wall ten times a game then you can not talk to the media. Until then, SHUT UP!

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SNL’s Stefon’s guide to Thanksgiving!

There are plenty of things to be thankful for this holiday season. We can be thankful for points, teachers canceling class, Blue Room muffins, study rooms in the Rock, BlogDailyHerald (shameless self-promotion), seasonal facial hair, peppermint mochas, holiday cheer, home cooked meals, hockey players, and most importantly…STEFON’S RETURN TO BLOGDH. SNL’s Stefon (or me pretending to be Stefon) is back to give you a heads up about all the hottest parties and gatherings that you must attend over Thanksgiving break. Don’t call it a comeback, because Stefon never went anywhere. Cue the music, plug in the disco ball, turn off the lights, and embrace Stefon as he (me) drops some serious holiday knowledge.

The hottest spot this Thanksgiving is…your grandma’s house. This spot has everything: passive-aggressive comments about your lack of significant other, a woman asking “what is Brown again?”, your weird uncle asking if you are gay yet (I AM NOT GAY UNCLE RICKY), that random person who always shows up with an already half-empty bottle of wine, the smell of moth balls, your great-grandfather’s war rifle named “old lucky,” and water-drowned food so everyone at the table can chew it. It is a great time, especially if you are looking for a place to butcher saying grace in front of your religious grandma who doesn’t remember that you still can’t do it right: “Bless us…uh…like…O Lord…and for like these uh your dope gifts and whatever, which we are like gonna receive from your…bosom, I mean bounty, hahaha lol. Through you, Jesus guy, our Lord, amen dude.”

The hottest spot this Thanksgiving is…your local underage bar. What better way of setting the tone for a holiday about giving thanks than puking in the back of bar. You, your friends, and your fake ID’s that all say you are 28 and are from North Dakota must head down to grab a drink like adults do! This bar has everything: a pervy bouncer who makes every girl kiss him on the cheek, a kid who looks like Charlie Sturr, a bartender who hates his life, bar mitzvah music, your mom texting you “where are you?,” those kids from your high school who you HATE so much but with whom you pretend to be best friends, that one girl who takes a selfie with everyone, and the smell of Bud Light and sadness. Do not miss out!

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Clubs we NEED at Brown

Yeah, everyone gets it, we are hipster chic, trendy, and douchey, so our clubs should embody whats makes Brown Brown. There is the Anime Society, the Aerial Arts Society, the Swan Ballet Club, the Bulgarian Club, the Brown Noser, BlogDailyHerald (Pulitzer Prize-winning I may add…pending further review), the Brown Daily Herald, and so many others. Luckily, just like my fat cousin always says, “there is always room for more.”

Because my GPA already sucks, I have spent the last 36 minutes of my FYS drafting the ultimate list of clubs that I don’t want but that I NEED on campus A$AP. And. Here. We. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

The Model UN Hecklers

This is just like Model UN, but instead of participating in a UN-inspired, student run forum, in this club we heckle and and prank those involved in Model UN. This is not an attack on Model UN; they’re great. Rather, this is me airing out some personal issues from high school due to a particularly competitive and arrogant Model UN squad that loved to talk about Model UN, the dances and how many guys/girls with braces they made out with. In high school there was nothing I wanted to do more than to let off a stink bomb, kidnap a Ecuadorian delegate, turn on the lights at one of the dances, or just streak through one of their “worldly and important” meetings. So why not do it now?!?! This club would heckle and mess with the Brown Model UN group as well any high school Model UN’ers who come to campus.

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The Evolution of Halloween

There aren’t a lot of things that last from birth and through college. We don’t still get tucked in at night by our parents, have home cooked meals, swim in the shallow end, or brush our teeth twice a day (I’m not alone on this right?), but we still get excited for Halloween. Sure, the goal of Halloween changes from childhood to college. No longer is it about who can get the most candy but rather it is about who can GET the most candy (see what i did there). Instead of eating Twix and Snickers till we get sick, we drink Caldwell’s and Natty till we get sick. We still wear costumes, yet instead of dressing like our favorite disney character, we now dress like our favorite sexy disney character (I am going as Olaf from Frozen this year FYI).

Slutty Olaf

So maybe not all that much has changed, and that is fine because, like my uncle from South Carolina, I am scared of change. But Halloween for sure has evolved, from our earliest days of getting dressed in adorable baby-propriate costumes, to that time we went as sexy Shia Leboeuf.

baby taco

Shia

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