Frosh-cessities: How to prepare for family weekend

It is easy to lie to your family over the phone: “Oh yeah mom everything is going well, can I call you back in a minute? I’m just finishing up some homework,” you say, as you and your roommate and try frantically to put out a fire that you started when you tried to light each other’s farts. Or to make it seem like you have things under control over text.”Hey dad, I spent all my money on books. Can you send me some more?” you send, as your drug dealer holds you at gun-point in the Blue Room sandwich line. You’ve been living on the edge, taking no prisoners, and are definitely still overwhelmed and confused. That’s normal (right???), and having your parents around for a weekend may seem daunting, but there are some easy tips to staying ahead of your shifty, nosey, and overbearing parentals. The last thing you want is another lecture; you’re in college now and are way too cool/don’t have time for that.

Step 1: Be ready for an interrogation 

Here are two different hypothetical conversations, one not prepared, and one prepared, between my mom and me. Learn from me to avoid mistakes and your mom’s wrath.

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It Takes Two, Celeb Edition: Freshman guys and their famous Doppelgängers

Have you felt recently like you are seeing a lot of celebs around campus? Well, Emma Watson graduated and I am still NOT Ellen DeGeneres, so likely you are seeing a freshman guy who just happens to look like A-list celeb. Keep an eye out of campus for…

Grant Sholem / Seth Meyers

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Get to know Grant: When Grant is not sitting behind a desk, he is probably complaining about the “cold” weather, and how “in LA everything is better and prettier.” You may know Grant from the Brown Admirers Facebook group page, and recognize his sharp chin, tan cali-skin, and striking resemblance to the hilarious Seth Meyers. Or, you may know Grant from that time he won the Orange County Regional U-12 junior, lightweight fencing championship, where he placed in second until he was later disqualified for being confused with 30-year-old Seth Meyers. Classic Cali-mix up.

Ryan Simshauser / Young Joseph Gordon-Levitt

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Get to know Ryan: If you ask Ryan if he is actually Joseph Gordon-Levvit he won’t deny it, but rather ask for your number, then request that you take a photo with him and tag him in it ASAP. He is known for wearing his signature sunglasses and reminding you that he in fact took a gap year. Look for Ryan to be a physical athletic presence, whether he is playing club frisbee, intramural basketball, or fifth-string pickup touch football quarterback. There is an urban myth that if Ryan wears his sunglasses inside at night, there will be 500 more days of summer. Fun fact, Ryan was a body double for Joseph in Inception, and has testified that DiCaprio smells like cinnamon.

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How to roast people at Brown…or at least try to

People getting on your nerves? Looking to take them down a peg? Tired of not having a good insult for that guy in the Blue Room who makes fun of you for not cuffing your jeans? Sick of having your roommate always get the last word in when you are arguing about who left the window open and let all the ferrets in? Over the frat bros laughing at you as you trip and fall, breaking your Volcano replica, in Wriston Quad? Not having everyone on campus calling you Ellen after one silly blog post (shameless self-promotion)? Well, no worries, because there is one easy solution, and that is learning how to roast your haters, Brown style.

Hank, what is roasting? Roasting is an art form best enraptured by Michael Gary Scott in the clip below:

While Michael is a phenomenal roaster, he is too mean for Brown standards. Also his jokes don’t really apply to most Brown situations. So here are some useful, non-offensive roasts you are more than welcomed to use at anytime to anyone who gets in your grill. Prepare to roast!

You take all your classes pass/fail, Boom Roasted!

You only eat the Ratty, Boom Roasted!

You never sexile your roommate, Boom Roasted!

You own boat shoes, but not a boat, Boom Roasted! [Ed. You own boat shoes, Boom Roasted]

You say “let’s get turnt,” Boom Roasted!

You don’t know what you are going to concentrate in, Boom Roasted!

You don’t live in Andrews, Boom Roasted!

Your roommate is the “cool roommate,” Boom Roasted!

Your Birkenstocks have holes in them, Boom Roasted!

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What it’s like to look like Ellen Degeneres and go to Brown

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When a random drunk person stumbles up to you and asks, “You know who you look like?” there are a few names that everyone wants to hear. “A better looking Ryan Gosling,” “Tom Brady, but just more muscular,” or “That hot freshman blogger Hank.” But unfortunately, this is not the case for me. In high school, my friends identified one special doppelgänger for me, and this legacy has apparently followed me to Brown.  Everyone thinks I look just like Ellen Degeneres.

There are definitely worse things to be compared to or called, so in that respect, I am not complaining. Hey, Ellen’s a great lady. It is just a little off-putting when a Starbucks barista writes Ellen on my triple, venti, soy, no foam latte without even asking. It is hard to make new friends and socialize when everyone is expecting you to do an Ellen dance and rattle off some jokes. But this constant comparison has got me thinking; maybe its not such a bad thing! Maybe, in fact, it’s great.

Who doesn’t love Ellen? She’s America’s sweetheart (sorry Beyonce).

Here is what Ellen’s show would be like if she went to Brown…and if she were me.

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SNL’s Stefon’s guide to freshman parties

Who is Stefon?

Stefon, played by Bill Hader, is a reoccurring guest from the Weekend Update portion of SNL He is a sharp diva, with a dark edge, and hilariously quirky side. He is plugged into (what he thinks are) the best parties in NYC. His plans are odd, unique and always out there. If you do not know him already, watch the video below to get a glimpse of the genius of Stefon, or watch the video below because you love him already. Why aren’t you watching this already? If Stefon were to describe the freshmen party scene at Brown, this is what we think he’d say:

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Brown’s hottest party is…Metcalf 2nd floor lounge. If you and your friends are looking for an unsanctioned, rowdy time, hit up the lounge. To get in just say the password: your SAT score. The party starts at 8:45 and gets shut down at 9:15 by DPS. Don’t worry, just get there early. There is watered down Vodka, beers someone stole from their dad, and some oregano that someone is pretending is weed. Show up fashionably early, and leave fashionably…early?

babies and beer

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If the dining halls were rappers, who would they be?

Lucky for you all, I know the answer to the question that has been keeping you up at night. No, it’s not the pressing matter of “Do they like me back?” or, “Did I just fail my midterm?” or even, “Should I go out tomorrow night?” But rather, I can provide you with the long-sought answer to: “If the dining halls were rappers, who would they be?” See below, and thank me later.

Andrews Commons = Drake

“Started from the bottom, now we eating pho.”

Drake breaking it down, Andrews style

Andrews Commons is the hottest dining hall on the scene right now. It’s young, fresh, and multi-cultural. I have even heard that Andrews was on Degrassi for a while, but I’m not sure, that could just be a rumor. But in all seriousness, AC and Drake are so clearly twins (Can a person and a dining hall be twins? In this case, I’ll argue yes). Drake is everyone’s guilty pleasure, and Drake and AC can both provide happiness until the wee hours of the night. Whether you are feeling sad, hungry, happy, tired, defeated, or lonely, Drake is there for you. Slip in some headphones and bump some “Nothing Was the Same,” “Take Care,” or “Thank Me Later,” and all suddenly becomes better. Andrews provides the same source of solace; whether you are craving some nacho pizza, pho, ageless sushi, mystery calzones, or a beastly grinder, it has your back and never asks, “Are you sure you want all of that?” Finally – Drake hates breakfast, and Andrews Commons does not serve breakfast. He even raps about it –“Bank account statements just look like I’m ready for early retirement…I hate breakfast.” ‘Nuff said.

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