“It’s before 4 p.m., you can’t use meal credi-” “SPAAAARRRTTTAAAAAAAA!”
Next Wednesday, the Brown community can experience the rare pleasure of uniting as one, in a scene reminiscent, in both scale and pomp, of the Transcontinental Railroad’s completion. Uniting, I say, and driving a sweaty, visceral spike straight through the heart of whatever whimpering modicum of respectability lies pitifully deep within the critically ill institution of liberal arts academia. Specifically, a screening of 300, presented (really? is that the word to use for crop-dusting us with liquid testosterone?) by the Joukowsky Institute for Archaeology and the Ancient World. It’s part of the JIAA’s “See the Movie…Then Think About It” series, which amounts to the classic game “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon,” but replacing yourself with a Hollywood movie and Kevin Bacon with academic relevancy.
By all objective measures, it’s gonna be sick. Think about it: hundreds of your peers, that actor who plays Faramir telling stories in an eye-patch and metal bikini, cosmic amounts of Geneva Conventions-obliterating violence, Christina Paxson — wait, what?
Yep. Our brand new president is still in her first Hundred Days, but instead of playing it safe and limiting herself to the normal presidential stuff like touring the new gym and saying “hi” to oblivious freshmen, she’s decided to sit in on a movie whose main reason for being is to prove, once and for all, that the human drive for power and accomplishment exists independently of the presence of clothes. You gotta give it to her — she’s not afraid to take on the big issues of our time.
Our only advice to you, Christina, is this: either leave the room during the slow-mo (and, like, what, 20-minute long?) sex scene, or practice composing your face into a perfectly impassive mask of inner peace when every student turns to you to see how the face of the University reacts to such a confusing amount of eroticized pseudo-history.