Class of ’15er much too cool for freshman year, becomes sophomore

Is she cool? Is she lame? We’re talking about Pepper Ann ’15, who, thanks to a rare exception recently made by the Office of the Registrar, will now be known as Pepper Ann ’14. “Pepper Ann was far too cool for a first-year,” said one registrar official familiar with the grade change case, adding, “She marches in her own parade.”

Yet though Pepper Ann is reportedly “like, one in a million,” the precocious freshman sophomore appears to be her own biggest fan; most students interviewed for this article were not familiar with her name. Only one freshman expressed vague recognition, asking, “Is that that girl from gym class?” more commonly known as BodyRox.

Simmons hires new professor to revive Russian Lit

It appears that our days of sliding through Russian Lit with a Nalgene of vodka in hand are coming to an end. In an unprecedented lame duck appointment, President Simmons has hired a new faculty member to teach the much-maligned literature course. The replacement prof? Nigel Charles Ratburn, formerly of Lakewood Elementary in Boston.

“I understand that hiring a professor with no university-level teaching experience is a gamble,” Simmons said when asked about Ratburn’s credentials. “However, Mr. Ratburn’s motivational track record is unbelievable, and I really think he’s the person we need to revolutionize how Brown teaches Russian literature.”

Lakewood Elementary is located in Boston’s Elwood City suburb, whose school district recently rebounded from an educational crisis similar to the one gripping Central Falls, Rhode Island. Part of Simmons’ rationale behind Ratburn’s hiring was the role he played in bringing the district’s failing students up to par with national averages in test scores. “I spoke with Lakewood principal Herbert Haney, and he told me that Mr. Ratburn’s alternative teaching methods and firm belief in the power of diligent labor really made an impression on his students. I had the pleasure of sitting in on a few of his classes, and while there were the requisite number of groans during every pop quiz, his students were some of the brightest I’ve ever seen at the elementary level. I found it hard to believe that just a few years ago these same kids were getting teardrop tattoos and lobbying to lower the age of consent!”

When asked if she planned on hiring new faculty to lend much-needed credibility to the MCM department, Simmons’ only response was a laugh.

University Library launches new “fun” public relations campaign

“Having fun really shouldn’t be too difficult once one has obtained a library card,” said one University librarian at a press event for the Library’s new public relations campaign. The musical campaign is meant to combat the Rock and SciLi’s “boring” and “oppressive” reputations and to encourage the widespread use of library cards.

Librarians recruited a group of anthropomorphic animals and TAPS concentrators to film the video, which it intends to stream on all those awkward televisions in the Ratty and Campus Center.

Eliza Thornberry commits to Brown 2016

Eliza Thornberry has a secret: she can talk to animals. 

It’s true that Thornberry uses her talent for good to save all of her animal friends. More importantly, like any competitive college applicant, Eliza used her special gift to gain a competitive advantage in the college application process. Sources close to Eliza told BlogDH that the RV-schooled high school senior shed light on her cross-species communicative abilities in every single one of her college essays.

As one would expect, Eliza was accepted to several elite universities within the past week, including our very own. Upon her acceptance to Brown, Thornberry immediately joined the “Brown University Class of 2016 – Admitted Students” group on Facebook. She posted in the group, bragging about her admittance to Brown, Harvard, Dartmouth, Amherst, and Johns Hopkins, and then dramatically called on all 2,760 people in the Facebook group to convince her why she should attend Brown. After a group of select devoted ED admits — all of whom are avid posters in the group — rushed to the case within seconds, Eliza shared that she had officially been convinced and that she would definitely be attending Brown next year. We at BlogDH are relieved that Eliza Thornberry will be gracing our campus in the fall; we’ve been waiting for someone of her expertise to answer all of our questions about the campus squirrels.

Jolly Olly Truck threatens Mama Kim’s reign as best food truck on campus

Jolly Olly Man

College Hill's Latest Food Truck Genius

Service with a smile can only go so far — sure, he’s surlier, but the Jolly Olly Man’s ice cream truck rolled onto Thayer Street for the first time this Sunday and was an instant hit. That may or may not have something to do with the fact that the Jolly Olly Man scared all the other food trucks away (Rocket got a flat tire attempting to flee). Also bitter about the seasonality of his product and Sunday’s 50-degree weather, the Jolly Olly Man was testy to students who approached the truck yesterday. But students certainly knew how to return the sass and were cheeky right back to him. Seems like a solid symbiotic relationship is in the making — Jolly Olly truck’s ice cream is sure to be a welcome treat if we have any more weeks of 70+ degree days. Check back in a few days for a review of everything the truck has to offer!

Image via.

Dino Spumoni, The Beets to join Spring Weekend lineup

Just when you thought the Spring Weekend lineup couldn’t get any more awesome, BCA has confirmed that DINO SPUMONI and THE BEETS are scheduled to perform at Spring Weekend 2012.

Dino Spumoni, America’s favorite swanky 67-year-old crooner, will bring his fair share of jazz and swag to the stage when he opens for CHILDISH GAMBINO on Friday night along with WHAT CHEER? BRIGADE and SEPALCURE. Spumoni topped the charts in the ’50s and ’60s and was just about the biggest badass of his time: he had several run-ins with the police, punched out photographers and frequently referred to himself in the third person.

The Beets will set the mood and pump up the crowd with their rockin’ ballad “Killer Tofu” before TWIN SHADOW, CAM’RON, and THE GLITCH MOB all perform on Saturday night. BCA representatives said they felt The Beets would be a great addition to the Spring Weekend lineup given the clear and present nexus between Brown’s status as a nationally recognized vegan-friendly campus and the group’s vegan, organic and natural appeal; our Ratty correspondent Gail reported hearing unanimous cheers coming from the Roots and Shoots line when students learned of The Beets’ upcoming campus visit. Continue Reading