A chair-spective on things

The ubiquitous chair. The companion of human laziness since chairs were referred to as “sitting things.” They were around even before the first human to ever sit, ever sat. Probably.

But if only they could speak. Oh, the stories they’d tell.

Luckily, while I was pulling an all-nighter for a midterm, a chair started talking to me.

If you thought Brown students were cool, wait till you hear what Brown chairs have to say.



Me: “So, Mr. Chair, how is it like being a chair?”

Chair: *shivers* “All this booty..”

Me: “Do you have a name?”

Chair: “All this booty.”

Me: “…”

Chair: “Sorry about that. Booty got me day-dreamin’.

I guess it’s not all that bad. It pays the bills.

The name’s Fred, by the way.”

Me: “Okay, Fred. Can you stop talking about butts?

My audience may not approve.”

Fred: “Uhm. Rude. It’s literally on my mind every day.

So excuse me.”

Me: “I’m so–”

Fred: “And you know what’s worse?

I’m not even into butts! People just don’t seem to get it.”

Me: “Can I j–”

Fred: “Standing is a social construct.”

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The more you know: Sitting, drinking, lifting, grading

Procrastination is both a value and a vice. In order to make it productive, we’ve provided you with a few quick facts that you probably didn’t know. Learn a new thing every day in higher education with BlogDailyHerald.

Library desk chairs cost $800. That black chair you’re sitting on right now? With the great lumbar support, height adjustment and super sprite wheels? It cost lots of dolladolla bills, according to Amazon. No wonder tuition keeps rising — we need places to keep our butts warm! Let’s hope Brown got a wholesale price.

Happy right now? Probably not, potentially in part because Rhode Island drinking laws prohibit bars from holding happy hours (and because you have finals, duh). Additionally, Rhode Island law prohibits the acceptance of out-of-state state identification cards — only licenses allowed. NYC drivers (and “drivers“), you should probably think about taking your road test.

What time is it? Game time! The new cupola on the Nelson Fitness Center formerly sat atop Marvel Gym, which used to stand across from Brown Stadium. The clock’s face does not have numbers, but instead reads A-L-D-R-I-C-H-F-I-E-L-D, where it had been located.  Fun fact: the bronze bear that stands on the Main Green also used to ornament the gym. Ra Ra Brunonia, FTW!

2/3 of grades awarded at Brown are A’s…? As you struggle in the library right now, this statistic is probably mocking your greater sensibilities. Last we checked, it was more like 54%. Try to keep the rumor going, though, and maybe you’ll help your GPA — get back to work!