Drunk, Sober, High: Senior Night at Ale House

Drunk/Sober/High is a series started at New York University’s blog NYULocal. It sends a drunk person, a sober person, and a high person to all go enjoy (and endure) the same experience together. We love it, so we thought we’d give it a try. 

This is the story of three people, one drunk, one sober, and one high, and their quest to Senior Night at Ale House. One of them isn’t even an f***ing senior, but shut up, that’s not the point.

Why were they going to Ale House? For the free food that there certainly wouldn’t be enough of, or the existential crisis they were bound to have anyway this week? The exact answers to these questions are unknown, but perhaps you can determine it yourself, from the gripping account below.


Sober: Drunk and High weren’t ready to meet up until 10:15… They told me 9:45. I knew I shouldn’t offer to be sober – Sober is always the person who gets irritable the quickest. At least I can wear my cat-eye make up without immediately smudging it off in a drunken or drug induced stupor.

Drunk: Hey Sober, I like your lipstick. Where’d you get it, Hot Topic?

High: I’m afraid I’m not high enough.

 One minute later

High: Shit, I think I am too high I might have to go home.

Drunk: You are home – we haven’t left your dorm yet.

High: You’re right, you’re right I’m fine. Drunk should drink more though.

Sober: Agreed, but let’s go.

High: Actually, I don’t want to leave yet. Can we wait ten minutes?

Drunk: Well the event ends in thirty-five minutes

Sober: Oh shit. Guys let’s go.

En route to Ale house, they witness the largest gathering of the biker gang that any of them have seen. One of them does a wheelie while ripping down Thayer Street. Sober and Drunk want to blog about the motorcycle crew, but don’t know how to approach them for an interview. A decision is reached to write a blog post hypothesizing how one would communicate with the bikers. Keyword: Traffic cones.

High: Drunk, do you realize that Sober is writing down everything we say.

Drunk: Hey High, don’t censor yourself.

Sober: So Drunk claims that he drank peppermint schnapps, but High insists she saw him drink cranberry juice and vodka

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Drunk/Sober/High: Fifty Shades of Grey

fifty shades of bear

*SPOILER ALERT: Fifty Shades of Grey pretty much sucks, no matter how intoxicated you are*

Also, this is our first ever virtual Drunk/Sober/High. The writers saw the movies in separate locations (due to the long weekend), but still, of course, remained faithful to their respective substance (or lack thereof). 

Before the show

D: I sort of failed at pre-gaming for this film, so my friend and I took a ¾ full handle of vodka into the movie theater. Somehow, despite sitting in the front row, we did not get booted out of the theater. We also didn’t boot. The latter might be more surprising.

S: I can’t believe I’m actually at a movie theater on Valentine’s Day waiting to watch Fifty Shades. Is this real life? I look around and the theater’s pretty empty; I get there about 15 minutes early, thinking that it’ll be packed because the hype was so real, but there are probably less than 20 people there, most of whom are couples who, I’d guess, have been married for at least ten years. I’m suddenly extremely paranoid–what if parents that I know show up? What if they’re already here? What if they see me? What if I see them? I glance down the aisle and notice one couple my age sitting a few rows up and I ask myself the following question: in what world would anyone ever see this movie as a date?

H: Upon arriving to the mall, we made a bee line to the food court, snuck Chinese Food combo dinners under our coats, and found our seats in the way back of the theater. I saw quite a few other Brown students there, and I tried calling their names to get their attention but apparently I was only whispering. We smoked again in the theater; we realized we had great neighbors when we heard, “get it girl” after my friend stifled a cough.

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Drunk/Sober/High: Pizza and Politics with Buddy Cianci

Screen Shot 2014-10-03 at 4.14.52 PM

The man himself.

Getting to Ale House

Drunk: I decided to bring my illicit substances to pregame the event with High because it felt too lame to drink by myself. High showed me this game where you can be a goat and roam around the Goativerse. I made fun of him for five minutes, but he convinced me to pay $5 and download the app for myself. By the time it downloaded, I wasn’t completely on my game and it took me ten minutes to figure out that the reason that I wasn’t moving forward was because I was continuously hitting the “collapse” button that made my goat fall to the floor. Walking over to the event, I pretended that High was the goat in the game and kept hitting them so that they would “ba” on command. We arrived 40 minutes late.

Sober: At exactly 7:25, I put my Portuguese textbook away, and left Faunce in a hurry. I only had to walk two blocks, but I wanted to make sure I got to Ale House early enough to secure a seat, and more importantly, to get some pizza. My studies in the two hours prior had deterred my attention away from eating for the first time that day, and I was banking on Buddy’s “get together” for some much needed sustenance. By the time I got to the front doors, I was still two minutes early and decided to text Drunk. I knew it was a long shot, but I wanted to see if they were on their way to know whether or not waiting outside would have been worth it. The only salvageable information from Drunk’s response told me that they were running late because High couldn’t stop playing some “goat game.” I waited outside for another three minutes, but my cravings got the best of me.

High: There’s a great new game called Goat Simulator. Whatever you’re doing, especially if it’s getting ready to go to a Buddy Cianci campaign event, get Goat Simulator.

Ale House Pre-Buddy

Drunk: I arrived to the Ale House with one mission and one mission only: to convince everyone that Goat Simulator was all that they were missing in their lives…until someone from the Cianci campaign gave me a free t-shirt and then I felt my sense of purpose was getting High a t-shirt as well. Wow, I am such a good friend. I found a lady with a t-shirt and told her why High really, really, really needed a t-shirt. After a 2 minute explanation, she weirdly told me that she was just there for the event and that she didn’t know where I could get a t-shirt. My t-shirt did a really great job collecting my pizza sauce. I really wanted to ask someone if the sauce on the pizza was made by Buddy.

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