“Write Drunk, Edit Sober”: A guide to final papers and assignments

With finals upon us, I have no doubt that many of you, like me, have classes that require final papers. They tend to loom over your week, your every waking moment dogged by the thought that you could be making some progress on an essay. At least with in-class finals you can tell yourself you’ve done all the studying that will be beneficial. A paper is in the back of your mind right up to the moment you pass the minimum page threshold, and even then you have to worry about editing. Under this level of stress, you might find yourself with some stubborn writer’s block. Fortunately, you can get around this in much the same way you get around stalled conversations: alcohol. Let your mind run free to get a draft done, then return at a later date to look upon your work and marvel at your typos. Depending on the assignment and the subject, you can indulge yourself with varying levels of inebriation. Let’s get down to business.


Hm, it seems I’ve stored my books beneath my booze. There’s only one way out of this.

Problem Set

Drink: Coke Zero

Drunkenness: You on your tenth birthday

This isn’t technically a final paper, but it is a take-home assignment that you have to write things on, so I’ll say it counts. Anyway, I hate to be the fun police here, but I can’t imagine successfully doing math whilst inebriated. If you can navigate the sea of numbers and party at the same time, then go for it, you beautiful lunatic.

Research Paper

Drink: Beer

Drunkenness: Out to dinner with close friends

Please note that I’m assuming you’ve already gathered the necessary information and references on which you’re basing the paper. If all you’ve got is a vague idea about what you want the subject to be, I’d suggest leaving the libations on hold.

A research paper is less about inspiration than precision. You don’t need to stir the reader’s heart with stunningly beautiful prose; you just have to make sure your arguments are concise and airtight. Drinking too much will work against this, so get a good beer and use it more to relax and enjoy the process of writing than to inspire the writing itself. If your only experience drinking beer before now is through funnels or Natty Light cans, you’ll want to slow down your pace. You can’t afford to black out burn out too early. Research papers are frequently 10 to 15 pages in length, if not more. Take your time.

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FlogDailyHerald: Saturday finals


On the list of things that just don’t go together—which includes such atrocities as mustard and yogurt, jeans and rain, and curry and tequila (trust me)—Saturdays and finals rank number one.

This semester, two of my finals are on Saturdays. That’s right, both of the times in which I have to sit down for three hours, write down every bit of information that might possibly be relevant, and try to squeeze by on the curve, I have to do so under the heavy weight of knowledge that I’m taking a final ON A WEEKEND.

These aren’t my only final assignments, by the way. I also have two final papers, a final presentation, and a final exam masquerading as a midterm, but I can deal, because they are not ON A SATURDAY.

Saturdays are sacred. Saturday is the day to lie in bed until 1p.m., the day to get over your hangover by consuming solely bagels and yellow Gatorade (before consuming more hangover-inducing substances), the day to pretend you got a little work done, and the day that allows you to keep your sanity throughout the rest of the week. Continue Reading