Sextion: Can I butter your muffin?


During many an afternoon in the Blue Room, I have heard Brown students talking about the muffins with the same excitement and pleasure in their voices as their most recent hook-ups. My mind could not help but wander. If the muffins were different sexual positions, what would they be?

Corn muffin = hand job. Seriously, what is the point of a corn muffin? I guess it does the job of satisfying your hunger, but there is little joy to it. Some could say the same about a hand job: takes care of business, but rarely great or memorable. You deserve an upgrade.


Why bother?

Blueberry muffin = missionary. Ordering a blueberry muffin shows little originality, just like the missionary position. Not that it can’t be satisfying, but there is nothing too special about it.


One muffin in a tin of 1,000.

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Much ado about muffins… ALL OF THE MUFFINS

So, Cookie Monster some Slate writer ate every single variety of Pepperidge Farm cookie.  While I was mildly disgusted, the piece inspired me to repeat this experiment at Brown — with Blue Room muffins, a collection as diverse as and somewhat carbier than the student population.

My sister, the ragamuffin Tanya Nguyen ‘13 (whose favorite joke is, incidentally, the one with the talking muffins), had independently developed a desire to test each one, so I enlisted her consumptive (I actually don’t think that’s the right word, but you know what I mean) and photographic ­aid in this totally self-indulgent project of great journalistic importance. Any excuse to nosh on a bunch of baked goods, amirite? Pro tips: Muffins are best warm, so nab them freshly baked or microwave them. Most are pretty sweet, especially as you keep stuffin’ your face with them, so have some water or other beverage (recommended pairings listed below). A gajillion couple thousand calories and 16 x 1.95 points later, here are our highly scientific results (in chronological order of sampling, which, don’t worry, was not in one sitting).

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