You might not be an animal person, but there comes a point in the semester when the work actually gets hard and the novelty is gone and you just need unconditional love. Since Heavy Petting can only happen so often, and you have to divide the puppy love among hundreds of students, it’s time to take matters into your own hands. Instead of FaceTime-ing your cat (which is apparently a thing?), take a look around campus–there are a number of places right outside your dorm where you can get some prime animal action.
This could be you!!
Main Green. For reasons I will never understand due to the high probability of being flocked by students, a number of people walk their dogs across the Main Green daily. This can happen at any time of day, but the chunk of time between 2 p.m. and 5 p.m. typically sees the highest concentration of dogs.
Pro: It’s the easiest place on campus to set up shop and even the laziest of students are bound to see a dog at some point.
Con: You’ll probably have to share your dog time with the hoards of other students dying for affection as well. Continue Reading
I have a pet theory that might get me crucified by the Internet’s profoundly outspoken food community: young people hate cooking because of recipes. Sure, people hate cooking for several other reasons: “fucking” dishes, “it doesn’t taste good,” “fuck buying groceries”…I could go on forever. But I still firmly believe that at the end of a hard day of passive lectures or massive reading or tedious entry-level work, the last thing a young person wants to do is whip out The Joy of Cooking and get some chicken pot pie going (if you are that kind of person don’t bother hitting the jump). The following is a manifestolisticle of the anti-recipe school of cooking—for the school of cooking that treats meal-creation as just that: meal creation. Rachael Ray invented the 30-minute meal, Paula Deen crafted Diabetes for Dummies, and now I’m going to explain how to cook intelligently and efficiently as a college student. Continue Reading
THIS IS YOUR LIFE NOW.
Ah, senior year. We’re nearing adulthood now. The fresh promise of the GCB awaits us, rendering the years of sweating it out at an AEPi frat party almost obsolete. It’s a new era of sophistication, responsibility, monogamous hookups, and wine and cheese dinner parties!
And we get to do it all off-campus. Right next to the favorite haunts of the John St. masturbator.
Underclassmen, take note: living off-campus is not all that it seems. Sure, we get living rooms–full of shitty furniture that we found off of Craigslist. Seriously, those bastards in Keeney have nicer lounges than we do. Wine and cheese dinner parties aren’t as fun when you’ve spent your entire month’s allowance on manchego cheese.
Actually, that was entirely worth it. If I could spend all my money on the hard cheeses, I totally would.
And monogamous hookups? A recipe for declining libido.
The Original John St. Masturbator
Also, I thought having a masturbator roaming your block would be entertaining. Like free pay-per-view porn. But once he started wanking outside my neighbor’s homes, I got… well, sort of sad. He seems so pathetic, with his long black hair and questionable dress choices. A hoodie and no pants? In September? Who are you, Miley Cyrus?!
I went through an off-campus crisis. It went something like this: