One Direction: This Is Us
Rating: 2.5/5 stars
Dear One Direction,
I have decided to write this review in letter format as, after seeing your film, I feel that I know you all on a deeply personal level. I’ve seen interviews where your parents tear up (shout out to Morgan Spurlock–the director of this movie and, yes, Supersize Me–for thinking that a heartfelt telephone conversation between mother and son, halfway across the country, both being filmed by massive camera crews, seems organic). I’ve also seen Zayn sleeping, heard Liam’s hard knock plans to pursue a career in factory work if music didn’t come through, and witnessed various other supposedly impromptu conversations where the four of you discuss precisely how shocked and awed you are by your newfound success. So now I feel like we’re all good friends. That was the point, right?
I have very little to say about this film that is either overwhelmingly positive or negative. It was an hour and a half spent listening to the four of you speak, while learning absolutely nothing real about you. I had no emotional attachment to you prior to this film, but I now truly do understand why millions of girls would rather have playdates with you than their My Little Ponies. You embody the term vanilla. These tween girls are able to look at you and see exactly what they want: you exude lack of personality and therefore have no chance of offending any of them. Based on this film, it seems like the four of you (I don’t pretend to think Louis was invited) screened Justin Bieber: Never Say Never and decided to make the exact same film, but with an effort to establish personas that seem less like annoying gerbils that you can’t kill.