Super Smash Brown



Nintendo has recently graced us with a new entry in the Super Smash Bros series, and the addictive mix of fast-paced gameplay and an utterly ridiculous premise has spirited away more of my time than I care to admit. A funny thing about Smash Bros is that the character you pick can reveal a fair bit about your personality (e.g. picking Meta Knight in Brawl probably means you’re a sociopath.). The parallels between picking characters and picking concentrations at Brown are actually quite striking. Here are just a few of the cast members followed by the department into which I see they best fit.

Fox: Computer Science

The getting’s good now, but it may have been even better in the early ’00s. If you persevere with Fox, you will do well because of how damn good he is (pro tip: the Reflector is insane), but this is neither surprising nor impressive. You picked a good character, so of course you’re going to do well. You will often express wonder at the idea that anyone would choose to play a character other than Fox. Eventually, you’ll find yourself in frequent discussion with other Fox players, debating the minutiae of his techniques and all the best ways to apply them. “No items. Fox only. Final Destination.” will become your credo. The rest of the world will not understand, and will think you’re boring. They’re right.

Kirby: English

You will actively defend your character/concentration choice against the common opinion that it’s disadvantageous. Back in the first Smash, Kirby was much stronger, and you will try futilely to replicate that power in the modern era. Kirby’s absorption power mirrors your encounters with literature: you take it in, and spend a short period viewing the world through the eyes of the author you read, taking on the identities of their characters. We’ve all done this, and found ourselves thinking about how clever we are after reading a detective story. This period is mercifully cut short when someone finally smacks you upside the head. You then go looking for your next literary/B-move fix.

Ganondorf and Captain Falcon: Math and Applied Math

These two characters have incredibly similar move sets, though Ganondorf has become less of a clone in each game since he appeared in Melee. The thing is, Captain Falcon is essentially a better version of Ganondorf,. His moves still hit very hard, and he’s faster by a large margin. Furthermore, you get the flying knee and the Falcon Punch, two of the most satisfying moves you can land in all of Smash Bros. Captain Falcon is more or less the man, even if he is a weirdo. Why are you picking Ganondorf? I think you just want to make things difficult for yourself. Just remember when solving equations: Show me ya moves. Solutions don’t just pop out of thin air.

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