My almost-favorite comedian Demetri Martin has a joke that goes as follows: “Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it to have fun, and other times you do it to not die.” Well played, Demetri. But he failed to consider the third possibility — sometimes you swim so that you can prove that you are faster at it than someone else (at least in a heavily chlorinated 50 m x 25 yd tub of water and in very specific ways that dictate the direction and path in which one must rotate one’s arms). This option is known as “competitive swimming,” and Cornell sucks at it in the same way that Cornell sucks at [insert any noun or action verb here]. It is thus no surprise that our very own Brown University Bears Swimming and Diving Team scheduled Cornell for its Senior Day last Saturday.
Both the Cornell men’s and women’s teams were 0-6 in Ivy meets going into the day; Brown men were 1-4 and women were 2-3 (my swim team sources tell me that Harvard, Yale, and Princeton are the best; I guess the best swimmers like to be rich and successful and soulless after college). We’ll get the bad news out of the way now — the women suffered a narrow upset, losing by a mere six points that probably should be attributed to scorekeeping error (the men won by a million points). The good news is that almost every event I personally watched — alright, so I didn’t stay for the whole meet, sue me — was won by Brown, so as far as I’m concerned we won. Anyway, whatever, you’re here to hear about the actual happenings at the meet (actually you’re probably here to read the Spring Weekend lineup and accidentally clicked this post instead, then navigated back about a paragraph and a half ago).